orgasmic laugh.

assalamualaikum.

hai.

aku ada berita. aku sudah buka lembaran baru. aku rasa ini salah satu keperluan untuk aku terus hidup jika aku masih lagi punya nyawa.

jadi, blog pun aku buat baru.

orgasmiclaugh.blogspot.com

harap kamu orang sudi melawat yang ini pula. ya? aku dah tak tulis di sini lagi. harap maklum. harap maaf.

blog ini sudah menjadi terlampau kecil untuk diri aku yang sedang membesar.

terimakasih untuk beberapa tahun yang indah.

salam.

bye.

giliran sang sedih belum tiba.

assalamualaikum.

alhamdulillah.

orang seperti aku yang tak berpeluang belajar di tempat awam membawa diri ke tempat swasta.

alhamdulillah.

keluarga aku mampu membiayai pelajaran yang bukan calang2 harganya.

alhamdulillah.

di unisel, aku ditempatkan serumah dengan orang2 yang aku secara perlahan-lahan menyayangi mereka tanpa sedar.

alhamdulillah.

aku dikenalkan dengan orang yang baik2 belaka. yang sang celaka, Tuhan sorokkan dari pandangan aku.

alhamdulillah.

alhamdulillah.

alhamdulillah.

tapi aku hanya perlu tunggu masa.

kerana, mahu tidak mahu, giliran sang celaka dan si sedih bakal menjelma.

namun,

dengan Tuhan yang menapung berat aku yang berkilo-kilo ini, aku yakin aku takkan senang2 biarkan diri aku jatuh.

sebenarnya,

aku tahu rahsia Tuhan. aku tahu yang aku bakal diketemukan dengan sang celaka dan sang sedih. aku tahu bahawa Tuhan buat semua ini biar aku belajar. kerana ilmu memang palat nak melekat dekat kepala kalau aku tak disuruh belajar cara susah.

alhamdulillah.

aku punya Tuhan yang hebat.

sang celaka.

sang sedih.

marilah.

aku mahu berantam. aku mahu jadi lebih kuat. akan aku hancur leburkan jiwa kamu.

alhamdulillah.

hati aku masih lagi penuh dengan adrenalin untuk belajar.

alhamdulillah.

alhamdulillah.

abahemak, insya Allah, aku akan buat kamuorang sedar bahawa wang ringgit yang kamuorang tabur itu bukanlah habuk semata.

alhamdulillah.

insya Allah.

j

confession: nanti aku poskan gambar. nanti ya.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.

assalamualaikum.

esok. esok pagi aku bertolak ke unisel batang berjuntai selangor. semalam register, hari ini pergi beli barang dan esok pergi. agak-agak kalau hidup ekspress macam ni elok ke? semalam lahir, hari ini menua, esok mati.

baru kejap tadi aku habis packing. aku rasa semua aku dah pack. cuma, aku ada firasat yang mengatakan, tak kira pasti mana pun yang aku dah pack semuanya, aku bet, mesti ada yang tercicir. cuma sekarang ni, aku tak sedar apa yang bakal tercicir. bila dah sampai sana atau pun otw baru aku tersedar agaknya.

aku ambil Foundation TESL. murah sikit from diploma. harga, biar aku diamkan sahaja. yang pastinya, Alhamdulillah, aku tak perlu meminjam sanasini.

esok. esok aku pergi. kawasan pendalaman. orang bandar, city-bred, bermastautin ke kawasan pendalaman. bukan nak berlagak yang aku ni orang bandar. tidak. aku cuma nak emphasize bahawa aku akan ke suatu tempat yang berlainan daripada biasa. dah aku akan tinggal di sana.

esok. esok aku pergi. dammit, baru aku sedar, banyak yang aku akan tinggalkan di sini. banyak. hinggakan aku tak boleh nak senaraikan semuanya. terlampau banyak yang akan aku rindukan. tangiskan dalam diam. ketawakan dalam sedih.

dammit. tulah, orang selalu kata:

be careful for what you wish for.

aku pandai minta masuk universiti seiring dengan kawan-kawan aku. PAP! aku masuk 2 minggu awal. jeleslah. itulah. sedihlah. inilah. heh, orang yang tak reti bersyukur, Tuhan dah tunjukkan.

alhamdulillah. aku boleh sambung belajar. alhamdulillah, aku tak perlu berhutang. alhamdulillah. cuma, aku berbau kecuakkan. aku cuak. nak mati. punya. cuak. seperti biasa, aku pasti rasa nak tercirit.

cuak.

hahahahahhahahhahahahahahahahahaha *ketawa nervous*

esok. esok aku pergi. aku takkan online serta blog selama beberapa hari sehingga abahemak hulurkan komputer riba buat aku.

esok. esok aku pergi. cuak.

j

confession: aku takut dengan org yang bakal aku jumpa. perangainya. suaranya. bulinya. dan yang paling utama, pengaruhnya. siapa yang bakal aku jumpa.

ps: doakan aku.

a note for everybody.

assalamualaikum.

if i could write a note for everyone that matters to me,

abah:

please don't build up any kind of expectations, because Abah, i am jazmin, and i bound to disappoint.

emak:

i think you are immune to my failure now aren't you? i hope you can still put up with me because there are millions more failures to come.

angah:

yes, you can say it out loud ngah, you ARE better than me in every fucking way. you are smatter, more discipline, and a lot more in other ways. and i still will be the happy stupid older sister who fucked up everytime.

umar:

umar, i don't know EVERYTHING. i don't. most of the time, i just made it up.

PBProGirls:

i am so sorry i can't tell you a lot about myself and the secrets and pain that i have been keeping to myself. it's just that i don't trust you guys enough. heh, who am i kidding, i never trusted anyone with these secrets of mine.

GuyFriends:

you got to see that i am a girl too. even i talk, laugh, fart, act like a guy, i am still a girl. a little scared girl.

Family:

i am sorry none of you know me. and it is all my fault.

Me:

heh, Jazmin, if you had a penis and your penis is long enough, i would ask you to go and fuck yourself already.

FutureMe:

heh. *diam* doa banyak2 Jazmin. Allah sentiasa ada. doa.

j

confession: aku tak terkejut kalau aku disahkan ada depresi. aku tak terkejut. aku dah lama prepare. cuma perlu di diagnos. tapi, kalau aku disahkan tidak ada depresi, aku tahu yang aku ada juga.

ps: payah kau jaz. lagi kau dewasa, lagi pesimis kau jadi. lagi gelap kau jadi. lagi lebih bijak menipu kau jadi. payah kau jaz.

pps: ya Allah, help me. for i have nowhere to turn but to You, and to You only.

*kesat air mata*

*senyum*

jealousy is eating me. help.

assalamualaikum.

nowadays, i hate opening my twitter and facebook. not because of its being too mainstream and other shits, sometimes its just too hard to stare at other people's accomplishments and plans when i got nothing.

my friends, fuck this, jealousy had bitten me. i admit this only in here. i am jealous as fuck. as FUCK! just imagine the most jealous you had been and times that with infinity. that, my friends, are the amount of my jealousies.

ya Allah,

for the love of God, i prayed everyday, and recite this in my du'a non-stop to not let jealousy gets the best of me. i prayed and prayed and prayed that i could be truly happy for you guys instead of just being half happy and the other half faking it.

but i am really happy for you guys. alhamdulillah, your pathways are easy to go to continue your studies and i can't pray for anything better but, darlings, i am so jealous.

*sigh*

everyday, i read your tweets about excited going to UITM, Matriks, UM, you guys are so excited to go to new countries, new life, new friends, new clothes, new place, new knowledge, new stuffs and a lot of more new-s.

you guys talk about how excited yet afraid you guys are. how this is going to change your life.

but man,

it's hard for me to read.

kalau taknak baca tak payah baca!

but, i want to know your progress, you excitement, i want to be there to know that you are so happy, i want to be along with your steps, i want to be there for you guys, now and always. fullstop.

but, in some weird pathetic ways, i feel like a loser somehow.

you guys are moving on, with your NEW, while i am still here. doing nothing.

i understand that this happens for a reason, and i know that reason is going to be good, but jealousy, oh jealousy, loves me so much, she just wants to suck all my heart and be the only one inside it.

jealousy is dominating me.

i am sorry, i love you to death, but i can't help it.

yes, i am aware that a lot of people are in my shoes and they don't complaint like i do. i know that dreams and plans don't come true for a lot of people. these, happen all the time.

i can take it. i can take it. but don't tell me that i can't be at least a little bit upset or jealous about it.

my time will come, insya Allah. just pray for me will you?

j.

confession: maaf, maaf, maaf, cuma aku tak boleh cakap tentang perasaan aku. aku cuma mampu tulis. sumpah aku tak terganggu dengan tweet kamuorang, aku cuma emosi. bodoh macam sial. maaf, maaf, maaf.

musik.

assalamualaikum.

musik.

kalau kau kenal aku, kau takkan kata yang

'musik adalah sekadar bunyi.'

aku akan letakkan kedua belah tangan aku dileher kau dan cekik kau sambil berkata,

'jaga mulut kau. you better shut the fuck up.'

if you know me. ohh how i wish you could know me.

and i only have myself to blame.

ada siapa2 yang kenal aku? musik aku? lagu2 aku? melodi2 aku? soundtrack hidup aku? melodi menyinggah di jiwa aku?

ada tak?

musik kenal aku.

j

cermin bilik air.

assalamualaikum.

*diam*

*batuk*

*tarik nafas*

*diam lagi*

*senyum*

*pandang cermin*

*senyum lagi*

'aku benci kau.'

*senyum*

'hidup kau pessimist. hidup kau terlampau bergantung. hidup kau kurang jelas. hidup kau takde plan. hidup kau, kau penuhkan dengan gelap. aku bet, tak ada seorang pun kawan rapat kau betul2 kenal kau. itu semua salah kau.'

*senyum*

'banyak2 orang dalam dunia yang perlu simpati. kau pilih untuk simpati dengan diri kau sendiri? apalah bodoh sangat kau ni?'

*batuk*

*senyum*

'jazmin. sampai bila? bagitahu aku sampai bila do you want to be as closed and dark and depressed like this? sampai bila? until you're fucking old and angry.'

*ketawa*

'aku mana pernah marah. kalau marah tunjuk emosi. aku tak perlu emosi. emosi buat aku jadi bangang.'

*diam*

'terpulanglah jazmin. terpulang.'

*pandang cermin lagi sekali*

*simbah air sejuk ke muka*

*langkah keluar dari bilik air*

'aku nak makan subwaylah hari ni. nanti ajak mak.'

j

confession: *terduduk diam* sudah2lah.

kesian.

assalamualaikum.

hahaha. aku cuma mahu bagitahu yang kadang2 aku rasa kasihan dengan diri aku. aku tak tahu mana hala tuju aku. apa yang aku mahu. mana yang perlu aku ambil. aku mengaku yang dalam diam, aku menangis sendiri tatkala melihat orang yang ada plan dalam hidup mereka. aku pula masih tercongong macam bangang. yang aku mahu cuma beri orang sesuatu yang epic untuk dibaca. tapi, itu susah. jalannya bengkang bengkok. duitnya payah. aku perlu plan B. kerana, aku tak mahu bergantung pada orang lain. ini hidup aku. yang aku bergantung dengan adalah Allah dan diri aku sendiri. abahemak sudah banyak aku bergantung dengan. kini aku perlu belajar jatuh dan patah tulang2 sendiri.

jazmin, kesian aku tengok kau. kau tak tahu satu apa pun tentang diri kau kecuali penulisan yang kau bangga2kan tu kan? kan?

kesian.

j

aku tak percaya dalam; menunggu.

assalamualaikum.

dalam hidup aku, aku sudah set-kan minda aku untuk tidak percaya ke beberapa perkara.

aku tak percaya yang makhluk asing wujud. aku tahu tentang kewujudan yakjuj makjuj, syaitan dan lain-lain. cuma makhluk asing. terlampau melampau untuk aku terima.

aku tak percaya dengan berharap, kerana aku hanya percaya pada usaha. usaha. usaha. usaha. doa. doa. doa. dan tawakal. tak pernah sekali aku mahu diri aku berharap.

aku tak percaya pada bisik. apa perlu kau berbisik? cakap kuat, lantang, jelas, kerana telinga aku tak percaya kata-kata halus yang berhias permata. kalau kau mahu bercakap dengan aku, jangan bisik. aku perlu frekuansi yang kuat kerana, aku susah mendengar. tambah lagi percaya.

dan, aku tak percaya dalam menunggu.

menunggu ada dalam pelbagai aspek. jangan salah faham, aku manusia penyabar.

orang kutuk, 'hei gigi jongang. hodoh gila babi.' aku diam dan senyum jolok gigi.

orang tolak aku ketepi hingga aku terhimpit, sebab ya, aku memang agak loser, aku diamkan.

orang kata 'papan' 'takde tetek' 'keding' aku ketawa. lagi elok kurus dari terlebih lemak bukan?

orang kata 'tak matang' 'tak serius' aku ketawakan aja. apa perlu aku mengaplikasikan kematangan yang aku punya ini kedalam setiap satu aspek hidup aku yang sepatutnya aku ambil tenang.

tapi, bila disuruh menunggu, aku jadi lemah.

'jaz, orang janji. dua tahun je. jaz cuma tunggu orang dua tahun je and orang datang balik. it will be as if this never happens.'

'ingat, tunggu dia tahun je.'

'tunggu. jangan pergi mana-mana.'

dua tahun itu, aku jadi batu. aku keras tak berganjak. apa jenis musim yang bertandang dan bercadang untuk alihkan aku, aku keras. aku takkan bergerak. aku sudah janji sama dia.

'jaz tunggu punyalah.' (senyum bahagia, cover sedih)

dua tahun itu, orang yang paling kuat yang mencuba heret aku dari penantian pun tak pernah berjaya. aku sudah janji.

'jaz gerenti tunggu.'

dua tahun itu, aku hebat. aku berharap dan aku menanti dan aku menanti dan aku terus menunggu.

'alaaa, dua tahun je pon.'

dua tahun. selepas dua tahun, aku beri peluang. aku masih lagi membatu menunggu.

'babi.'

selepas 2 tahun lebih itu, aku jadi fobia sama menunggu.

'tunggu kejap. aku nak pergi toilet.'

aku angguk namun aku berjalan keliling satu sekolah. dan kemudian kembali apabila dia pula yang menunggu aku.

'tunggu. dua minit lagi aku sampai.'

aku berganjak. aku takkan menunggu. aku akan terus berganjak. walaupun jaraknya cuma dalam 2-3 meter, aku takkan membatu menunggu.

kau beritahu untuk tunggu, mari aku bagitahu kau awal-awal.

TAK

aku takkan tunggu. aku tak percaya dengan menunggu. kalau mahu, datang tepat pada masanya. atau kau tunggu aku.

aku tak percaya dengan menunggu lagi.

jazmin.

confession: tahu tak, betapa sakitnya aku menunggu kau? kau sedar tak yang sayang aku pada kau ni, walau aku cuba, aku tak mampu hilangkan. kau sedar tak, aku akan sentiasa mahukan yang terbaik untuk kau.

ps: kau sedar tak yang aku tak mahu kau. tapi aku cinta kau.

hoping? heh...

assalamualaikum.

as you might have known, result UPU keluar malam nanti. seperti orang yang memohon, aku pun berdebar macam sial jugak.

tapi, aku dari awal dah convince kan diri aku, kalau tak dapat. shut the fuck up and move on. Allah tutup satu pintu tak bermakna Dia tutup SEMUA pintu. maybe dia runtuhkan satu bangunan saiz raksasa gorgon untuk aku nampak sinar matahari yang tersorok. aku cuma perlu pandang. and being the stupid person i am, aku mungkin akan mengambil masa untuk nampak.

cuma aku nak bagitahu, aku dah lama berhenti berharap. bila berharap, we are just encouraging ourselves to believe something that is so uncertain. and once it becomes certain and it does not fulfill your expectation, disappointment will laugh at your fucking face with the word, 'i told you so' will be written all over your face.

yang aku lakukan cuma, tawakal. aku dah berusaha, berdoa dan sekarang tinggal tawakal. tawakal dengan berharap lain. kalau berharap, statistik untuk kau jatuh gedebuk dengan kekecewaan besar, kalau tawakal, kau tahu kau akan ada banyak lagi peluang. Allah maha pemurah. Dia takkan biarkan kau jadi orang busuk. cuma kau kena man up dan jangan fuck up.

tawakal. doa banyak-banyak. solat hajat tiap hari.

Allah tahu. Allah faham. Allah akan tentukan yang terbaik.

aku akan menjadi hamba yang taat tak kira apa pun.

kerana, Dia bagi aku bersandar. bukannya bergantung.

tapi bersandar. dan aku percaya padaNya.

tak ada sebab untuk aku tak percaya bukan.

insya Allah

j

lesen P

assalamualaikum.

dalam seminggu lepas aku dapat lesen P aku. aku minta kau orang doakan aku. doakan aku supaya aku tak mati terhentak, terburai, terkangkang, terkopek, terobek, terbakar di dalam kereta. doakan aku.

sebab, bila memandu, aku rasa macam gampang.

j.

pathetic feelings.

assalamualaikum.

aku nak say sorry in advance for the overuse of profanities in this post. aku cuma perlukan perkataan ini untuk emphasize aku punya perasaan. biar magnified sikit. harap maklum.

kau nak tahu something? kadang-kadang aku rasa ada perasaan ni agak sucks. bukannya aku nak jadi stoic sangat until aku langsung tak capable of feeling. but, aku paling tak gemar kalau aku berperasaan seperti typical perempuan yang pathetic.

don't get me wrong, bukannya aku nak kata yang perempuan ni pathetic, pardon that, aku pun perempuan jugak and i am not planning to downgrade myself just by the fact that aku ni perempuan. no, aku just nak cakap, ada jiwa halus kaca macam typical perempuan ni buat aku rasa lame and pathetic.

yes, i am well aware that, memang lumrah perempuan untuk bersifat compassionate, passionate, macam tu. but i just cannot bear with the fact that i am a passionate person. you know how aku menangis tengok movies, how i fell in love head over heels? how i am so fucking pathetic when i broke up?

i hated myself when i am in that kind of moment. desperate. feelings that are too big for my skin. what the fuck. aku cuba convince kan diri aku yang all of that are just bullshits. but guess what, lying to myself is fucking hard.

and now guess what, i have this crush on some guy. his music taste is bitching awesome, aku tergolek-golek terjatuh dekat dia. dia punya favorite movies are mine too. and come on, tell me, how many malay guys out there, listen to this one particular song: 'The Way You Look Tonight'? cuba bagitahu aku.

and because of my fucking passionate feelings, i would wait for him to be online, even if he's often online at 12.00 a.m. during that kind of time aku biasanya dah mengantuk gila babi sebab kerja and letih nak mampos. all i want to do is to fall asleep. but NOOO. the passionate and compassion Jazmin who is a fucking hopeless romantic waited for that guy. and chatted with him until it is 3 in the morning. and would not give a tiny rat's ass with the fact that i am going to be as tired as fuck the next morning.

itu pasal aku cakap, kadang-kadang ada feelings ini rasa macam crap. ya, aku mengaku sendiri, aku memang antara orang yang hopeless romantic. aku jatuh cinta. aku tergolek. aku suka orang buat poem untuk aku. aku suka orang buat mixtape untuk aku. aku suka orang buat kerja bodoh dengan aku even if that means that he and i will have to scream profanities like a bitch in the public. aku suka perasaan be loved. aku macam perempuan lain. aku pathetic.

aku ni dah pecah, retak. aku dah jadi beyond repairable. i am just waiting for the time to slowly heals me. lama jugak the time interval untuk aku jadi as good as new balik.

bila aku dah jadi macam ini balik. aku naik meluat dengan diri aku. aku lebih perefer dengan side diri aku yang stoic.

ohh and the one thing that i am so proud of myself is that, i do not cry. i will not cry. never in front of anybody. tears are meant to be kept for movies. not for being abused in real life.

come on jazmin, stop being such a fucking loser. man up. you are too tough to break now. falling in love is normal. so does falling out of love.

pathetic.

hahaha, in the end, sekarang aku still tengah tunggu dia online. fucking pathetic.

jazmin.

assalamualaikum.

i guess that i have always been a loner.

jazmin

sometimes.

assalamualaikum.

sometimes. i am a total mess. just fucking disgusting. sometimes, i gave up on my hopes to find dragons and to be friends with zombies.

sometimes i look at myself and there are nothing but loathe but sometimes, there too many emotions, i can barely fit them inside me.

sometimes, i feel like i am not worth to be with anybody but sometimes, i feel that i am too fucking good for anyone to own me.

sometimes, the world is too big and too small at the same time. sometimes i feel like i don't belong. sometimes, i just have to face to truth that i will never have a pet pokemon.

sometimes, everything seems so wrong. so fucking wrong that even breathing has become something that i have to tell myself to do instead of being a simple involuntry act.

sometimes. everything seems so perfect, i don't even want to move because of the fear that i might ruin that moment.

and most of the time, i do.

sometimes. that is how time works.

jazmin

new perspectives.

assalamualaikum.

i don't know what to write, what to talk about, what to sing, what to look at. i don't know. i am basically lost.

i need new perspectives. just like Panic! At The Disco song.

everything seems so blur at the edges. how can i live like that when i have always been living on the edge.

new perspectives, come to life. i need you.

j

guess i am not a lesbian after all.

assalamualaikum.

hahahaha. i am always a sucker for a guy with an awesome taste of music. by awesome taste of music, i mean, really awesome taste of music.

when he suggested a song for me to hear, man, it was a shame that i never heard that song before him. and it goes on and on and on like that for a long time. when he ask me to listen to another song, BAM! a mind blowing experience again.

hahaha. i think i secretly like you. like a ninja.

i am a ninja.

jazmin.

confession: it has been a long time since i like a guy. not the kind of falling in love shits. you know, the kind of like where you just wanna hang and talk forever. not love. guess i am not a lesbian after all. hahaha.

things my parents taught me.

assalamualaikum.

you see, as you already know, growing up i hated my parents. but now, when i am a little bit mature, my childhood came to life.

my childhood was amazing. though my mother would be gone half of the month but the other half, well, i was the luckiest kid alive.

the clearest memory i have of my childhood is this one:

i told my parents that my sister and i wanted to play in the rain. because even when i was a child, rain seems so beautiful and lightning, well, they are the silver lining. unlike any other parents, my parents didn't say no. they never did told us to not play in the rain. not once. she said 'not today.' but again, i was a child and that equals to a big fat no.

the next day, my mother came home bearing gifts. she brought us a raincoat. a beautiful pink raincoat with the picture of snoopy. and my father, he brought us a new umbrella. a yellow one for me and a green one for my sister. that evening, my sister and i played in the rain. we tumbled on the green grass. my father took out a beaker and said that we can measure the amount of rain. so we did.

when the rain stopped, my parents made an artificial rain. they sprayed water from the hose to the sky and it came down like pretty little diamonds.

it is one of the best memories i have.

growing up, i learnt a lot. but the lesson that i am most impressed an in awe of is this one.

make mistakes.

they let me make mistakes. because as an arrogant bitch, i have to learn the hard way. always the hard way.

i stole things from them when they found out, the beat the shit out of me.

i lied to them. when they found out, they let me be. knowing that i would learn the lesson all by myself without them almost killing me.

when i ran away from home, they let me run because they knew i will always come back. i came back a little bit after maghrib because it was dark and i was hungry. they didn't let me in. i stayed outside until 9.

when i did the horrible thing, they turned their heads and told me that Allah is always there. get the syaitans out of you. you know better. and they told me they love me.

when i talked back, they slapped me.

when i yell and didn't wanna go to school they caned me.

when i get yelled by teacher they came to school and ask them to cane me next time instead of just yelling.

when i didn't do my homework, and i told them i was done, they let me be. they say that when i am all grown up and i am stupid, it will always be my fault.

i was called with names when i was growing up. having a bad teeth and skinny body will make you the ultimate target. but my parents, they told me to toughen up. but all i did was cry. but never in front of the bullies or my parents. i became tough on the outside.

thanks to them, i have a thick skin. you can call me names. tell me to fuck myself. tell me that i am fucking ugly because my teeth looks like a monster's teeth. you can step on me. you can chase me down to then end of the earth. you can slap and beat the crap out of me. you can tell me that i am not accepted.

i learnt on how not to care on petty stupid things.

i learnt how to live.

how to survive.

how to be happy.

i learnt how to be a girl that they had gave birth to. a girl they had raised and love. a girl that screws up everything and still manages to stand up at the end of the day.

i learnt how to be Nurul Jazmin Binti Fauzan.

without them, there won't be an awesome JazminFauzan that you know of today.

Nurul Jazmin Binti Fauzan.

confession: whatever happens to me, i know they are already proud. Emak, Abah, i love you.

silly wishes.

assalamualaikum.

erm. yeah. so, i didn't get TESL. erm, yeah, so i am waiting for the IIUM result to come out. and hopefully i will get to study asasi BI there.

and as usual, my expectations are, well, i never expect anything. see what expectations did to me, it crushed me like petty little things. it is my fault to hope that UITM will accept me, and then, WHAM BAM STAMP THANK YOU MA'AM, yeah, it just shot me in the eye. funny things happen when you are a silly wisher.

insya Allah i will get this one. this is not in any way an expectation or a hope. this is a prayer. because when hopes and expectations doesn't give a crap about me, Allah will. He always will.

so, ya Allah, most gracious and most merciful, to You and only You will i turn to because never once You had let me down. and if You did, well, it was all for the better reasons and results. only to You i will hand my dreams to. and only to You i will pray to. do whatever it is to make me a better person. if that means to shut down my dreams, shut it. because i know You'll do it just for the sake of getting me to a better place.

please ya Allah. please.

jazmin.

confession: i want to study again.

to be pretty.

assalamualaikum.

kadang2, aku pandang diri aku depan cermin dan aku cakap, 'wow, aku kurus gila doh.' and that is the fact. aku kurus. but i am not complaining here, dude, aku syukur gila aku dapat badan kurus even though kadang2 aku makan macam raksasa gorgon.

tapi kadang2 orang ketawa, dikatanya aku tak ada boobs, aku tak ada figura badan, aku tak ada lentuk, aku terlampau keras. macam mana lelaki nak suka dekat aku? hahaha, funny thing is guys like me. not for what i look because most of the time, aku comot. aku mengaku, aku memang comot. guys want to be friend with me because i am me. bukannya sebab aku lawa. bukannya sebab tetek aku besar. bukannya sebab bontot aku besar. bukannya sebab aku pakai baju ketat.

bukanlah aku nak mengutuk orang yang ada tetek dan bontot besar. itu rezeki mereka. tapi aku syukur aku tak dianugerahkan dengan antara salah satu. aku tak mahu dipandang sebagai perempuan yang biasa. yang orang cuma boleh ingat kalau kau describe saiz cup dia.

contoh:

'eh, kau kenal tak minah yang haritu?'

' yang mana?'

'alaaa, minah yang hot gila babi, aku rasa pakai cup Z kot.'

'ooohh, yang itu! hot gila sial.'

'muka dia pun cun jugak.'

'muka? aku tak ingatlah. cuma ingat dia punya 2 bantal tu je.'

'hahahaha'

trust me, i was part of that conversation. susah sebenarnya nak jadi cantik ni sebab ramai sangat orang yang cantik dekat dunia ni. sampai dah tak kenal yang mana satu.

cuba jadi ni;

'kau ingat tak minah gila bangang tu?'

'ohh, yang jerit PENIS kuat2 dekat kantin tu ke? gilalah. aku teringin nak buat.'

no one will forget that. hahaha

alaa, rezeki masing2. aku punya rezekilah sebab sampai sekarang masih lagi jadi orang papan. maksudnya, tak ada lelaki yang ghairah nak tengok aku seksi. jadi mereka tak pandang aku. alhamdulillah, rezeki aku.

jazmin.

just you wait.

assalamualaikum.

i've always wanted to be researcher. you know, to discover something or maybe uncover. there are differences you know. i know i wanted to be a writer and to be a writer you have to have stuffs to write about, and from there i came out the desire of researching.

some people are interested in cats, fishes, ships, battles, swords, ninja, or motherfucking bastards who gotten out of jail somehow. there are people who had done researches on these stuffs.

and if i (InsyaAllah) will ever be researcher, i would want to write about music. how certain music can fulfill you. you know, music does not only come from the instrument, it comes from the voice and according to nowadays music, they are basically resemble a lot to shits or crap or whatever in between. and voices does not always have to sing about love songs or rock songs or blues, they can also be people who recites the Quran oh so beautifully, one that can make your tears flood your heart and give that overwhelming feeling you can't bear. heart wrenching, and pure genius kind of voice. that is music too.

so, music and writing. couldn't get any better. i know that will starve to death, but hey, without passion, work is just work. nothing will ever come out of it. satisfaction zero.

wait for me. just you wait.

jazmin

let me be

assalamualaikum.

i don't really understand why there is a need to discriminate. i don't ask for a lot. all i am asking for is a little bit of understanding and well, patience i guess.

i don't understand why the fact that i am interested in art and literature means that i, quite frankly does not have any future ahead of me.

i don't understand why does the dream that i have, which is to be a writer seems to concern a lot of stupid people.

'writing is a dying field, by the time you made it, you will be at least 50++'


*deep breath*

so what if i finally made it (insya Allah) i will be old and wrinkled and ugly? i don't mind. at least i finally accomplish my long lived dream before i actually die.

you think i don't know how hard it is to make it? the money, the time, the sacrifice, the fucking sacrifice that i have to make, so that i would make it? you think i don't know that there are lots of other better people than me out there? you think i don't know that people barely read anymore? you think i don't know all that facts?

hey, i know.

books, reading, they are the dying, wilting, wonderful things in the world. given the smart technology nowadays, a book does not have a value anymore. everything is on the fucking line, on the net on the virtual world.

what about hugging a book to sleep, keeping a book in your bag just in case if you get bored, re-reading the same old yellowed book again and again. what about the awesome smell after you kept a book for a period of time. what about that? what if the next generations miss all that.

what if, all the books died, they say, what if no one wants to read anymore.

guess what, i would still not going to stop writing.

don't you understand that writing has simply become as easy as breathing for me? and just like breathing, i will die if i ever stop doing it.

so, stop discriminating me. i know what i am going to get myself into. okay. i know you are concern and i don't know, weirded out maybe. but please, i don't need any of that.

my parents said;

'i am not going to stop you.'

thank you for allowing me to make mistakes. for me to learn. thank you for not judging be and fine when i am not as smart in math or science as you hoped for. thank you for not being disappointed in me.

let me be.

jazmin.

D6

assalamualaikum. hi.

my name is Nurul Jazmin and I am from district 6. and i volunteer to be in the Hunger Games for next year because yeah, apparently, I have got nothing to lose. except for my whole life.

hahaha.

nahh, but this movie was quite, i don't know how to put it but, it is not what i expected considering i didn't even know that there was an actual book series about this movie. but yeah, it was quite awesome rather than twilight. seriously.

Katniss is the kind of girl i want to be. the one who could climb a tree without even trying. yes, i have always wanted to climb trees. tried once, fell down and bruised my back kind of bad, so my parents didn't let me do it again. but then again, i am not even surprised the i fell because i can barely make it to the end of a monkey bar.

yeah, i just wanna show you that i am from district 6 and my picture looks kinda awesome. did i mention that i was a photographer at this one wedding. hahah. just saying.

saja nak post something yang other than depressing stuff. i am ridiculous you know. i am.

j

ugly

so ugly.

kepada satu dua yang masih lagi membaca.

assalamualaikum.

aku tahu tak ramai yang membaca aku punya nukilan di sini. mungkin sebab tak ramai yang tahu dan malas nak baca typing aku yang berjela-jela.

tapi kepada satu dua yang masih membaca,

aku harap aku pegang kata-kata aku. jangan kau hebahkan kepada semua seperti, 'eh, kau tahu tak si jazmin, alaaa, jazmin tu taknak anak? apalah bangang sangat?' aku dah ada cukup mata untuk memerhati aku dan cukup mulut untuk memaki aku. semuanya dah cukup.

kepada satu dua yang masih membaca,

kau patut tahu, disini aku luahkan semua yang tak mampu aku tuturkan melalui mulut aku. disini tempatnya aku mengadu. kalau kau kenal aku yang sebenar, aku tak reti untuk menyuarakan pedih hati aku. aku tak ada orang untuk aku luahkan semua. ataupun, aku tak nak ada orang yang mengetahui apa yang jadikan aku ini hodoh rasanya.

kepada satu dua yang masih lagi membaca,

ini rahsia aku. aku kongsi dengan satu dua orang di dunia yang berjuta ini. terimakasih kerana menjadi mata yang meneman tulisan aku dikala mereka perlukan. terimakasih kerana tak pernah bosan. dan terimakasih kerana kau tidak menghakimi aku di depan mata aku. terimakasih. kerana satu dua daripada kamulah yang mengetahui diri aku, jiwa aku, sewaktu ianya masih mentah dan muda serta terbogel.

kepada satu dua yang masih lagi membaca,

terimakasih.

J

confession: tolong doakan aku untuk dapat UPU. aku mahu TESL ataupun Asasi Bahasa Inggeris. tolong doakan aku (:

musik.

assalamualaikum.

ada dua jenis musik dalam hidup aku, musik2 yang memenuhi jantung aku.

1. alunan musik yang lembut serta menenangkan apabila aku membaca kalam2 Allah.

2. musik yang musik. musik real. bukan musik yang autotuned atau bunyi techno. tidak. musik bagi aku adalah musik yang ditemankan gitar, bass, drum, bunyian asli, acapella sekalipun tetap musik.

musik adalah jiwa aku. musik2 ini yang mendefinisikan aku.

aku membesar dengan musik2 ini sepanjang hidup aku dan aku tak tahu samada aku mampu untuk teruskan kalau musik ini tiada lagi bermain di telinga aku.

musik adalah batu aku. sesuatu yang takkan berubah.

j.

an invisible phone line.

assalamualaikum.

it is now, 12.41 in the morning. let me tell you what i did just now.

i looked at my phone, scrolling down the numbers in my contact. heh. bored. so i pressed the number 1 on my phone and i forgot that i put a number as a speed dial on it. and it is yours.

i looked at the number for a long time. i realized that i still can recite your number by heart even though i haven't called you in a long time. the numbers, they came so easy and so did the memories.

i know that this next paragraph will sound silly but bear with me.

i looked at the number on my phone and i imagined that i was calling you. i put the phone on my ear and the silent dial tone bloomed in my ears. 4 or 5 imaginary dial tones or so, i imagined you picking up the phone, your voice not yet sleepy because you don't sleep early.

'hello, assalamualaikum?' you will sound weird of me calling you.

silent.

'jaz?' my name will roll along with your tongue.

'hey! wa'alakumsalam. watcha doin?' i will try to act as nonchalant as i possibly can but my heart will beat like shit and my throat, they will start puking inside out.

'erm, nothing interesting. benda biasa je. jaz?' you will say that, because this is my imagination so i can make you say anything. but i chose that sentence because it resembles you the most.

i lowered my voice and whispered to the corner of the phone and said, 'i miss you tonight. please stop killing me.'

after that, i hung up.

and then i looked at the phone and realized that i was talking to nobody. i was using the invisible phone line. an imaginary voice. an imaginary conversation. i am even sure that i got your voice right.

i think of you all the time. but missing you is another thing. missing you comes once in a blue moon. it comes not so often but when it came, it kills a part of me.

bear with me. i am not strong.

j.

confession: .................................................

to understand.

assalamualaikum.

aku dah cakap. aku dah agak. aku dah pesan awal-awal. jazmin, takkan ada orang yang nak faham kehendak kau. kau punya visi. mereka takkan dapat faham apa kau lihat dari perspektif kau. bukan kau buta. mereka pun tak buta juga. cuma pandangan kau dan mereka lain. mungkin mereka pandang langit, kau pandang darat, mungkin mereka pandang kertas, kau pandang pelangi, mungkin mereka pandang zirafah, kau pandang itik.

tapi, 'mereka' itu terlampau ramai dan 'kau' cuma satu sahaja, yakni, aku.

macam mana aku nak yakinkan mereka tentang pandangan aku yang terbengkok ke arah yang lain sedikit.

hey, bukannya aku tak nak anak sampai bila-bila. semuanya terletak pada Allah yang telah meletakkan rezeki aku sejak azali. aku cuma tak gilakan budak macam orang lain. aku bukan perempuan yang nampak budak comel dan terus terdetik dalam hati aku yang aku nak anak. tak. aku bukan perempuan itu. bila aku nampak budak comel, aku buat dia ketawa.

aku cuma fikir yang terburuk sebelum aku tanam harapan yang tinggi. aku sudah cek apa yang aku ada dan apa yang aku tak ada, dan statistik serta carian yang aku sudah selidik menunjukkan bahawa, mungkin aku ada masalah rahim. mungkin tak sahih. tapi aku yang tipikal akan fikir yang terburuk kerana apabila harapan aku dimusnahkan, aku akan jadi separuh hidup sahaja.

jadi, itu sebabnya aku cuba redhakan diri aku dengan kondisi yang aku ada ini seawal mungkin, aku perlu siap sediakan hati aku sebelum ianya jatuh pecah sehalus debu kerana, hati aku ini rapuh dan kecil. susah.

aku perlu siap sediakan pasangan sehidup semati aku dengan kondisi yang buruk ini agar dia terima aku seadanya dan tidak menghakimi aku.

aku bukannya tak nak anak. aku cuma tak nak berharap. dan mungkin, cuma mungkin, aku tak nak rosakkan anak aku.

mungkin aku belum bersedia seperti perempuan lain, atau mungkin aku terlampau negetif. sayang, ini aku yang sebenar. bukannya pelangi sepanjang masa.

jadi, cuba faham. cuba, tolonglah cuba lihat dari perspektif aku. tolonglah jangan suka-suka nak mengomen aku kalau kau tak faham situasi sebenar. aku bukannya jahat. aku bukannya tak punya jiwa. cuma jiwa yang aku ada ini terlampau rapuh. dah asyik kena makan anai-anai saja, macam mana nak kuat.

cubalah faham. kalau aku boleh, kenapa mereka tak?

tolonglah.

jazmin.

the ugly truth about me.

assalamualaikum.

let me make this easy. and as straight as i can be, because circling around like a gay is so confusing.

i don't want kids.

there you go. as bold as it can be. i am not proud. trust me, i am quite ashamed with myself after realizing this thing. i thought that i want kids. hell, i told everybody that i want 3 kids at most. but when i was talking to one of my elder friend, those words just came out as easy as breathing.

'i don't want kids.'

and suddenly, an elephant was lifted from my back. like any confessions, they tend to release the hot breath you've been holding.

you must be asking why in the world i would not want kids of my own. you must be saying how stupid i am and that what's the point of marriage if i don't even want to make babies. that's the whole purpose of marriage. don't you think about what your husband wants?

hey, do you think that i want to have fears like this? truth is, i fucked up a lot. and there are no doubts, if i ever have a baby, i will fucked that baby up too.

i am not one of those people who wants to have a job, have a dream home, handsome husband, cute little darlings, make plans for their money. no, i am not that. i know who i am and most of the time, knowing that scares the shit out of me.

i am the one who wants to be out all the time. i am the one who wants the sky to be my roof and the land to be my bed. i want the stars to call my name. i want my legs to be free. i want sunlight to give me all the UV it wants because, i am a wanderer. by heart, by brain and by soul. settling down sounds so hard, i don't want to. just let me have this alright. this thought that i will stay young forever. don't ruin this for me.

and yes, i have issues too. when i was growing up, my mother, was not the kind of mother she is now. the one who is always there. when i was an infant, she was not there. all the time. she tried alright, when she was home, she was the perfect mom, teaching me Quran and solat and english and stuff. but then, she is not home all the time. most of the time, i only saw her like 2 weeks in a month. tops.

hard to say it now but i used to hate my mother. i despise the fact that she was home when she was because, she's going to be all nice and honey and then she will walk away again. yes, i know, that was to find money for us to live easily but at that age, what the fuck do i know. all i knew that she left and when she left, i don't need her to come back. at that age, ohh, i fucked up a lot. i gave my parents shits. i don't even want to have a conversation with them.

i am a leaver. an expert leaver as matter of fact. unlike my mother, who traveled to lots of foreign countries for work and money, i just want to travel and to not care about money and people i left behind. i don't want to have responsibilities to tie me down from my dreams because, again, as selfish as it sounds, my dreams, they are my point of living. you know, to truly live.

i don't want my child to be left and that was when i decided, it's better to not have one at all.

on the other hand my 16 year old sister, she wants children. 8 or 10 whatever the number is, she wants children a lot. let me tell you why she wants children while i don't even want a child, it is because, when we were growing up, she always had me. i was always there for her, i was the one who took care of her, played with her, argue with her, be with her. i was the one she always looked up to. i was the one she had and when i was growing up without her, i got nobody.

she wants to have children so she can relive her childhood again, she wants to create another 'us' again. but i am so tired. i can't.

so, there you go. i am so ugly, you can barely look at me without vomiting inside.

and to my future husband, i know you will want kids, but bear with me for a couple of years, and just travel the world with me my love. lets discard every fucking thing we own and just catch the first flight out of here and then my dear, we'll make love under the stars. with condom. LOL.

i'll never be a mother but i can be the coolest aunt in the world for my nephews and nieces.

maybe Allah has other plans, but this is mine right now.

Jazmin.

confession: i love kids, i do, but i don't want any of them to be mine. please understand. i just need a person to understand because i don't to be the only person who is in this situation.

ps: my mother is an amazing mother now though. don't get me wrong. people can change.

pps: ya Allah, tolonglah bagi aku dapat TESL . amin

entah

assalamualaikum.

i know. i know. i know.

no.

fuck no.

i know nothing.

j

rambut.

assalamualaikum

i hate myself with long hair. i look like a fucking, i don't know, a fucking hypocrite. i hate looking at the mirror and see myself draped by this long black filthy hair. it ran on my eyes, swaying on my back, lightly touching my neck.

fuck that shit. i hate long hair. despise.

as a matter of fact, i felt disgusting with long hair. i know it does not sound appropriate for girl to say this but, yeah, i hate long hair.

so, this morning, i tied my hair into a ponytail and cut it. yep. after that, i went to a hair saloon and asked her to cut my hair short.

'you mean boy-cut ke?'

'yep. i wish i can go for mohawk. tapi mak tak bagi. or bald. mak still tak bagi.'

'ehh, ini rambut you potong sendiri ke tadi?' sambil belek2 rambut aku.

'yep. tak tahan woo..'

'you perempuan comellah, belalah rambut panjang sikit. baru lagi comel.' ambil gunting dan membega rambut aku.

'i have my reasons.' aku bisik.

i have my reason, and that reason is going to haunt me forever.

tell me

assalamualaikum.

you see, i am not in a very good state lately. it is kind of hard. i feel like a fucking brat. yelah, apahal aku nak rasa macam ni when there are hell lot of other people deserve to be sad, to be in agony and i am not one of them.

but,

i cant help it. lately at night, when everybody closes their eyes and drift into separate dreams, i find myself in a mixed feelings kind of situation. and i would be crying and bawling like a child. i would hug myself and rock myself back and forth repeating the sentence 'i hate you' and by you i meant me.

i am not so great. i dont know. depression or other kind of shits. i dont care. i just want it to be over.

J

a charming voice.

assalamualaikum.

have you ever heard a voice that is so charming, you don't even realize that you have been holding in your breath because, you just forgot to breathe, just because you can't?

have you?

well, i had heard one, and let me tell you as a big fan of people who are trying to tell a story helped by music as only a background, this guy's voice is amazing.

he did not sing, trust me he did not. he whispered the words and breathe out the sentences, swaying along with the sound of the guitar. the way he told the story was enough for me to have shivers running down my arms.

a charming voice.

a person who tells a story, whispers the fear and hold in all of the hopes.

he is certainly charming, dear charming voice, for i can't name him because i fear that he might see this and think that i am mad. no, i am not mad at you.

i am mad for your voice, telling me love and giving me patience.

regaining my hopes and renew my dreams.

charming voice, you are indeed charming. no one can tell me otherwise.

j

confession: z

you think you love me.

assalamualaikum

the first time you ever told me that you loved me was like this;

'i think i am in love with you'

you think you were in love with me. think. while at that moment, i was in love with you. nope, i did not think. i just knew that i was in love with you.

here's the thing about that moment though, you may not know this but i cried. not because you told me that you loved me.

it was because you told me that you thought you were in love with me when all i wanted was for you to fall head over heels, stumbled upon everything you stepped on and fell flat on your face but you don't really feel it because your feelings were just only for me. i wanted you to fall as hard as i did, so i don't feel like it is 70:30. i am the 70 percent while you were the 30 percent.

if you asked me to love you forever at that moment, i would.

but eventually, you did loved me, with all your heart. but i still think about the first time you said it to me.

think

look where it had gotten us to.

somewhere better i guess. hahaha. well, Allah set this up for a reason, mainly to get us as far as we can from sins of course. haha.

but also, maybe we are never going to be together ever again. you and i, we shared a lot, learnt a lot, and when i say 'a lot' i really mean it. A Lot. together, we thought that we could beat the odds, we could be together forever, have kids, grandchildren, hold hands when we are older later, sampai tua. haha, childish dreams are always the best don't you agree?

but then, if it's not meant to be, it never will, will it?

i loved, from the way your long hair (when it was long) swayed to my touch, the way your smile changes when you were looking at me. and the way your eyes went big and shiny like a pair ball of hopes when you looked at me. your laugh, i used to strain my brain to find the funniest thing so that you would laugh all over the place but most of the time, i would not even try because you already thought that i was funny. hahaha. the nights when you used to make up stories to me so i would fall asleep to your voice, and i would talk all kind of shits to you so you would fall asleep too.

to remember it back. mann, we were a disgusting pair of couple weren't we? the lovey dovey stuff, the i love you(s), the i will love you forever shits. realizing it back made it all seem so disgusting.

as disgusting as it was, you truly did loved me with all your heart didn't you? and thank you. thank you for that.

mister, you are better than you could ever picture yourself as and as if for me, i know who i am and where do i stand.

thank you, for i can't find any better words than those two. i loved of love you, well, it is none of your business, it is mine and if i want to love you, i will, so, thank you.

from you think you love me to you love me so much and to the point where breaking up happened. hahaha.

nothing but the best mister, nothing but the best.

J

confession: one of those days where the thought of you popped into my mind.

you and her.

assalamualaikum.

yes, you and her. she is perfect for you. a cookie cutter perfect kind of person you would have want to be with. maybe it is not now. not tomorrow. but one day. you will realise that she is the one. she has been standing in front of you for so long.

when your heart opens someday, you will see her.

and i will be here, watching you, grasping for your air that you have been waiting for so long. i will be here, watching you falling in love.

not with me, but with her.

and i hope that deep in your heart you will always remember that whatever happen, i will never stop praying for you. because, like i told you, when i love someone, i will never stop.

when you finally see her one day, love her. and i will still be here.

j

confession: Allah is loving, He will never break me insya Allah.

yang aku mahu cuma:

assalmualaikum.

the this is, semua orang dah membesar. dah belajar jadi dewasa. semua ada plan untuk ubah dunia in one way or another. semua ada matlamat, at least something for a long run. something to make life from.

doktor. engineer. guru. apa2 jelah yang boleh jadikan diri diorang salah seorang daripada manusia yang berdiri dengan bangga di puncak dunia, dengan ijazah yang boleh banggakan the hell out of everyone. semua orang ada satu bintang untuk mereka capai.

aku?

well, aku still kumpul cd2 band favorite aku. aku dengar lagu. aku apply UPU. inysa Allah, harap2 dapat. aku rasa macam ketinggalan. saat orang dah fikir sampai jauh, yang paling jauh aku fikir ialah, 'esok malam nak tengok movie apa pulak ye?'. shallow. minda aku, aku tahu, cetek.

aku bukanlah bodoh, bukannya aku tak capable of doing something great, cuma passion aku cuma satu;

menulis.

ramai orang tanya, kalau aku cuma nak jadi penulis, kenapa payah2 aku ambil pure science dekat sekolah? susahkan, bebankan minda sendiri. kenapa tak ambil seni je?

well, i think you are shallower than me. an extra knowledge will not kill anybody. so what, aku punya hidup, aku sendiri yang nak belajar, kalau kau mati aku belajar, aku kisah, tapi kalau tak, you just zip your mouth and judge on some other shits.

ohh, aku lari topik. the thing is, while everybody is busy with their plans on changing the world, i am here in this tiny little corner which i had called as my safe shoe box, trying to write some little pieces which can hardly be mattered to anyone.

then aku terfikir.

aku tak boleh ubah dunia literal, tapi, aku boleh ubah dunia fiksyen yang sesetengah orang dambakan.

maybe it is not as major as you know, getting some billion dollar project, but if i am able to put a smile or maybe a tiny laugh to come out from a reader's mouth and bring a little bit of sunshine streak to a reader's heart, it is going to be more than enough.

ya, aku nak jadi penulis. mungkin tak successful macam orang lain, mungkin aku duduk apartment kecil, makan pasta buat sendiri. tapi, kalau aku mampu bubuhkan matahari dan bintang dalam hati pembaca, apa salahnya.

dalam dunia ni, impian je yang boleh buat aku berani untuk terbang. Tuhan kurniakan aku sepasang kepak dan jantung yang kebal, jadi, tak kira berapa kali pun aku jatuh, aku masih lagi tak berdarah.

salam.

vulnerability sucks.

assalamualaikum.

vulnerable was never me. and never will be me. you see, i am not a touchy feely person. i don not like to cry in public and nor do i like to share my feelings. i don not talk about my feelings that much. but i write it instead. okay, so, what i am trying to say here is that, in spite of my lack of vulnerability, i am an honest, true and freaking hopeless romantic.

i hate that part of me. yes, this tell me that i am yet another common female who have feelings and hope to be head over heels in love one day. but hear me out, you have to understand me in order to understand what i am going to say. i always think about the worst case scenario, maybe it is paranoia or maybe it is just me. but i have always been like that. okay, now you can hear me out, but what if i don't fall in love? what if all i wanted is love, the love from a person who i will one day call my soulmate, what if i don't have one?

yes, i know about Qada' and Qadar, and i have no doubts at all that Allah had written and planned about nothing but the best of the best for me but i can't help but to think about the worse of everything. i know that i am still young and insya Allah, there will hell loads of other journeys out there for me, but i just can't help it.

the thing with me is that, i want, yes i really want to fall in love. i have been waiting for that moment. or maybe a deep crush on someone. in other words, i just want to have feelings again. not that i don't have any feelings now, but i want something that will make me smile out of the blue. i miss that, and the fucking worst thing is that i want that. the little part of me, the hopeless romantic side of me wants to feel those shits. i don't. i truly don't want that because i know it will lead to nothing but pure black dark pain.

the thing is, i am left with nothing but black dark pain. i want to replace it. i want to know that falling in love does not always have to be thing black dark pain.

in my brain and in my heart right now tells me that:

falling in love = black dark pain (dumbass, don't fall in love. this is bullshit)

*sigh*

now do you see why i hate that side of me which is a hopeless romantic? the need to fall in love, to believe that 'no, there is no such thing as the black dark pain'. this is fucking bullshit i tell you!

FUCKING BULLSHIT.

pardon me for my profanity, but i just get real mad at myself when i know certain stuff that is real, like 'the black dark pain' and i insist myself to NOT believe that. i am a good liar indeed, but when it comes to lying to my own face, i feel nothing but pure anger. how can i let myself believe that 'pain' will be gone. fuck that, the feeling of pain will decrease, but gone? gone? nah. bullshit. bullshit!

you see, i have so much time on my own to think about this things. i think i should find something else to entertain me instead of myself and my feelings. guess what, i hate my feelings and i hate some part of me. i am not always all smile and sunshine. when time comes, i will be nothing but a bitch. and that in result will make me hate myself even more knowing that i bitch a lot.

i am only human. but so are the other trillio gazillio people out there. i hate excuses especially when i made it for me. damn it, the depression moment is kicking in. i need to concentrate on other stuff or i will go bipolar.

haha, yes, i made a depressed joke. any problem?

i need to smile, yes, and be happy. i need to. i have to. it is the only thing that will keep myself real.

do you love me? just a little bit. do you still think of me out of the blue. do you still smile at the memories of me and you? do you still remember me? do you hate me? do you miss me?

because damn it, i still want to vomit whenever the thought of you popped in my head.

a very heartless person

J

confession: fuck this shit, i am going to make a novel.

Dyslexia Who?

assalamualaikum

after a number of test that i had done recently, i am clinically proven as a dyslexic. i am not surprised actually. i mean, this dyslexia thing really clear some things out.

1. the reason why i have a hard time to differentiate between left and right. (that is one of the main symptom of dyslexia)

2. having a hard time to concentrate.

3. short of attention

4. slow. i mean, the way my mind process is real slow.

5. easily confused by simple things

6. hyper, easily distracted and daydreaming

7. having a hard to time to read or pronounce or spell certain words even though i had spelled it countless of time.

8. the sensation of moving even when i am sitting still.

and a lot more. i cant really list them all. only the obvious ones. so, this explains hell of a lot. until now, it takes me about 5-10 seconds in average for me to determine which way is my left and which way is right.

i also remembered the time when i was a kid, my mother was pretty angry at me for not being able to spell GRANDMOTHER orally though i can write it on the paper just fine. my confusion when the words all jumbled up on the pages, dancing around, teasing me. the reason why i cant read in a moving place.

maybe my dyslexia is not that serious because i can still read fluently but i still find it hard to say some words out loud.

after finishing school, i had finally knew that i have dyslexia. how irony. hahaha.

J

confession: this is not an excuse for me being stupid in my studies but yeah, maybe it is. hohohohoho. but what the hell. dyslexia cant stop me.

ps: but i failed my Ujian Undang-undang because of my dyslexia. hahaha.

mindfuck.

assalamualaikum.

pardon me for my vulgar tittle. but one can't help but to cuss in certain moments. haha. but yeah, pardon me. cursing will calm me down sometime, like it or not, it is scienticfically proven.

you know why i had written 'mindfuck' as my tittle for today. because my feeling is all over the place. remember the time that wrote about i was over you? yeah, apparently, only half of me are over you, the other half is still there, waiting for you. you see how pathetic that is?? and i hate it when i feel pathetic about myself. it lowers my self-esteem and make me feel like a dick when i dont even have a dick.

argh!

so, yeah, i was missing a bunch of people one day, my friends whom i haven't seen in weeks. yes, i miss them so much, being a bitch around them, being happy around them, being able to talk which seemed like infinity around them, i miss them so much it broke my heart.

and suddenly guess what, the thought of you jumped into my mind, running around. and i thought, 'damn it' and sighed, 'this is a bloody mindfuck'. 'how dare you invade my thoughts!' i yelled internally and then i laughed. it is my fault not yours.

i can barely hear your name anymore, i might throw up. i dont want to cry over you because that seem like so much more lower than pathetic so i let my throat feel sick instead.

the weird thing is that i know, really, i know that i dont want to be with you anymore. because, maybe we are really not meant to be, and yes, i have accepted that and made peace with that.

but, why the hell, why in the world am i still missing you in the middle of something? why do i still love you so whenever i convinced myself otherwise?? huh?

mindfuck. this is what mindfuck means. to not truly understand yourself. mindfuck.

J

confession: my entry are mostly about you. i hate myself for it. really. but this is the only one place where i can really pour out what i am feeling without anything that will hold me back.

ps: at times like these, only the Holy Quran will help me because, Allah knows all the answer (: the solution for every problem is You (:

i thought i was gonna vomit.

assalamualaikum.

flashback:

it was about the first week of this month i think.

you called me.

seeing your number and name and the blinking light and the ringing tone on my phone. you were calling me.

first i thought it was my imagination.

but the ring tone was still there.

'for real?' i thought.

i pressed answer then i stopped breathing.

that easy voice, they were running through my veins and catching my stomach on fire. gripping my heart to death. and chocking my throat.

'i cant do this.' i thought to myself.

i answered your normal questions, was trying my best to sound normal. as if i was actually breathing.

'i cant do this.' my breath was weird. my throat was going to throw up. my eyes were stinging.

my knees, they were weak.

just by your voice.

i don't even remember our conversation. all i remembered was that, i don't want to hear your voice, i can't, and i had to hang up.

i was busy at that time, and using that, i hung up.

but my knees. ohh, my strong, powerful knees that helped get through a lot, scraped a lot, was weakened by your voice.

i have to get away.

J

confession: i thought i convinced myself enough.

one of those days.

i miss you. i think i am going to vomit.

J

confession: another long night of being a weak hearted dumb person. jazmin, you are beyond pathetic.

ps: i cant believe that i still do. heh.

2 years ++ approximately (:

assalamualaikum.

hey, remember me? hahaha. this place is like my little getaway. secret hiding place. it gives me a lot of comfort just for the fact that i can write whatever the hell that i want in here without putting a mask on my face and tying my fingers from typing something that i am not suppose to.

tapi sekarang, aku tak tahu apa nak tulis sebenarnya. jari ini menggatal. otak pula asyik menjerit, 'hey, tulislah satu benda. kau tahu tak aku letih menyimpan fikiran-fikiran kau dalam ni. kau punya kapasiti bukannya banyak mana pun.' jadi, sampailah aku kesini, orang yang bingung dan tak keruan sebab, aku tak ada tajuk pun.

ohhh, aku mungkin nak tulis sesuatu. daripada hari itu aku nak luahkan cuma masa sahaja aku tak jumpa. maklumlah, kerja kannn. hahaha. (walhal kerja dekat bakeri Emak sendiri) haha. tapi, kerja tetap kerja. apa yang aku nak tulis tadi? heh, kan dah lupa.

oh ya! aku dah bergerak. hahaha. aku tahu aku siput, aku antara siput paling perlahan di dunia ini tapi sekarang aku dah bergerak. segala perasaan yang aku simpan dulu semuanya aku dah mula simpan satu persatu dalam kotak. aku rasa bangga. bangga terhadap kemajuan aku yang aku rasa paling jauh sekali. 2 tahun ++, akhirnya, aku dah belajar yang sebenarnya aku boleh hilangkan bayang-bayang yang menghantui aku. senang rupanya. aku cuma perlu padamkan lampu dan tadaaa~~~ tak ada bayang lagi. cuma, maklumlah, aku kan lembab, perlahan, bila orang lain dah berkejar kesana kemari, aku masih lagi tak keruan. masih lagi di persimpangan.

alhamdulillah. hoi! ingat senang ke nak 'get over'? susah wooo wa cakap sama lu. susah gila. tapi bila fikirkan balik dalam lingkungan 2 tahun ++ yang lepas, aku rasa bodoh pun ada juga. rasa PHATHETIC gitu.

maksud aku, untuk seorang manusia yang bukannya ada pertalian darah ataupun hidup atau mati, aku sanggup korbankan jiwa aku. kelakar. bodoh. manusia yang aku cuma punya satu perasaan, cinta. cinta dengan orang yang bukan mahram. kononnya cinta yang aku rasa itu boleh aku bawa ke mati. kononnya cinta yang aku rasa itu adalah suci. kononnya cinta yang aku punya dulu itu adalah segala-galanya bagi aku. sungguh, aku rasa begitu. aku bodoh. cinta. heh. cinta yang kononnya bukan 'cinta monyet.' kononnya cinta yang aku rasa itu tak ada orang lain pun yang tahu. kononnya cinta itu adalah dunia aku. orang yang cintai dulu adalah satu-satunya orang yang aku perlukan.

fuck that. fuck all of that.

alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah aku panjatkan syukur aku setinggi-tinggi mungkin kepada Allah kerana Dia telak takdirkan untuk aku putus cinta. fuck it. 'putus cinta'? geli gila nak mampus. kalau kita cintakan seseorang dengan sepenuh hati, takkan putus cinta tersebut. cinta yang tulus suci murni dah direstui oleh Allah aku percaya, takkan putus sehingga ajal menjelma sekalipun. aku bersyukur kerana Allah telah memberikan aku ruang untuk membuat kesilapan dan juga ruang untuk aku SEDAR kesilapan aku. maksud aku, bukannya semua orang dapat peluang kedua dengan senang-senang macam itu saja. aku bersyukur dengan peluang emas yang Allah telah berikan kepada aku.

dan kepada manusia yang telah 'putusnya cinta' di antara aku dan dia, aku sendiri tertanya-tanya, betul ke apa yang kita alami sebelum ini adalah 'cinta'? betul ke? atau ianya sekadar ucapan? alaaa, figure of speech. betul ke apa yang kita rasa tu? aku parcaya, scratch that, aku yakin half of the feelings yang kita rasakan itu adalah lust semata-mata. curiosity. okay, aku mengaku, mungkin aku suka kau, suka tahap obses. kau pun aku rasa mungkin suka aku juga. tapi itu sajalah aku rasa. cuma 'suka'. 'cinta' itu aku rasa jauh lagi. jauh lagi.

cinta untuk kau? naaahhh. that was all just a figure of speech, trying to place our feelings into something that sounds pure and beautiful and yet it was just ordinary.

dalam 2 tahun ++ ini aku kenal siapa yang cintakan. siapa yang telah mendefinisikan maksud 'cinta' itu dalam perspektif serta fahaman yang betul. aku kenal siapa yang aku cintakan.

Allah.

Islam.

Muslim.

Family.

Friends.

cinta. bagi aku itulah definisinya.

insya Allah, mungkin aku akan jumpa soulmate aku. cinta dunia akhirat yang Allah telah ukirkan khas untuk aku. mungkin dia juga akan mengajar aku tentang definisi 'cinta' yang belum lagi aku fahami sepenunya yakni aspek cinta kepada suami gitu. hahaha. jauhnya lah aku fikir. but it all start from a dream kan?

cinta itu murni, dan aku rasa bersalah sebab aku telah rosakkan initipatinya yang sebenar dengan menggunakannya sebagai alasan kepada perasaan suka yang terlampau mendalam. mungkin yang aku rasa kepada manusia tersebut adalah sayang. bukan cinta.

panjang pula aku berceloteh. haha. apa salahnya kan? bukannya selalu pun. tapi kalau dah mula, heh, harapanlah aku nak berhenti.

the misunderstood.

Jazmin

confession: finally (: hahaha. mungkin aku masih lagi sayang. aku mengaku. cinta? naaahh.