it is now, 12.41 in the morning. let me tell you what i did just now.
i looked at my phone, scrolling down the numbers in my contact. heh. bored. so i pressed the number 1 on my phone and i forgot that i put a number as a speed dial on it. and it is yours.
i looked at the number for a long time. i realized that i still can recite your number by heart even though i haven't called you in a long time. the numbers, they came so easy and so did the memories.
i know that this next paragraph will sound silly but bear with me.
i looked at the number on my phone and i imagined that i was calling you. i put the phone on my ear and the silent dial tone bloomed in my ears. 4 or 5 imaginary dial tones or so, i imagined you picking up the phone, your voice not yet sleepy because you don't sleep early.
'hello, assalamualaikum?' you will sound weird of me calling you.
silent.
'jaz?' my name will roll along with your tongue.
'hey! wa'alakumsalam. watcha doin?' i will try to act as nonchalant as i possibly can but my heart will beat like shit and my throat, they will start puking inside out.
'erm, nothing interesting. benda biasa je. jaz?' you will say that, because this is my imagination so i can make you say anything. but i chose that sentence because it resembles you the most.
i lowered my voice and whispered to the corner of the phone and said, 'i miss you tonight. please stop killing me.'
after that, i hung up.
and then i looked at the phone and realized that i was talking to nobody. i was using the invisible phone line. an imaginary voice. an imaginary conversation. i am even sure that i got your voice right.
i think of you all the time. but missing you is another thing. missing you comes once in a blue moon. it comes not so often but when it came, it kills a part of me.
bear with me. i am not strong.
j.
confession: .................................................
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