jealousy is eating me. help.

assalamualaikum.

nowadays, i hate opening my twitter and facebook. not because of its being too mainstream and other shits, sometimes its just too hard to stare at other people's accomplishments and plans when i got nothing.

my friends, fuck this, jealousy had bitten me. i admit this only in here. i am jealous as fuck. as FUCK! just imagine the most jealous you had been and times that with infinity. that, my friends, are the amount of my jealousies.

ya Allah,

for the love of God, i prayed everyday, and recite this in my du'a non-stop to not let jealousy gets the best of me. i prayed and prayed and prayed that i could be truly happy for you guys instead of just being half happy and the other half faking it.

but i am really happy for you guys. alhamdulillah, your pathways are easy to go to continue your studies and i can't pray for anything better but, darlings, i am so jealous.

*sigh*

everyday, i read your tweets about excited going to UITM, Matriks, UM, you guys are so excited to go to new countries, new life, new friends, new clothes, new place, new knowledge, new stuffs and a lot of more new-s.

you guys talk about how excited yet afraid you guys are. how this is going to change your life.

but man,

it's hard for me to read.

kalau taknak baca tak payah baca!

but, i want to know your progress, you excitement, i want to be there to know that you are so happy, i want to be along with your steps, i want to be there for you guys, now and always. fullstop.

but, in some weird pathetic ways, i feel like a loser somehow.

you guys are moving on, with your NEW, while i am still here. doing nothing.

i understand that this happens for a reason, and i know that reason is going to be good, but jealousy, oh jealousy, loves me so much, she just wants to suck all my heart and be the only one inside it.

jealousy is dominating me.

i am sorry, i love you to death, but i can't help it.

yes, i am aware that a lot of people are in my shoes and they don't complaint like i do. i know that dreams and plans don't come true for a lot of people. these, happen all the time.

i can take it. i can take it. but don't tell me that i can't be at least a little bit upset or jealous about it.

my time will come, insya Allah. just pray for me will you?

j.

confession: maaf, maaf, maaf, cuma aku tak boleh cakap tentang perasaan aku. aku cuma mampu tulis. sumpah aku tak terganggu dengan tweet kamuorang, aku cuma emosi. bodoh macam sial. maaf, maaf, maaf.