pathetic feelings.

assalamualaikum.

aku nak say sorry in advance for the overuse of profanities in this post. aku cuma perlukan perkataan ini untuk emphasize aku punya perasaan. biar magnified sikit. harap maklum.

kau nak tahu something? kadang-kadang aku rasa ada perasaan ni agak sucks. bukannya aku nak jadi stoic sangat until aku langsung tak capable of feeling. but, aku paling tak gemar kalau aku berperasaan seperti typical perempuan yang pathetic.

don't get me wrong, bukannya aku nak kata yang perempuan ni pathetic, pardon that, aku pun perempuan jugak and i am not planning to downgrade myself just by the fact that aku ni perempuan. no, aku just nak cakap, ada jiwa halus kaca macam typical perempuan ni buat aku rasa lame and pathetic.

yes, i am well aware that, memang lumrah perempuan untuk bersifat compassionate, passionate, macam tu. but i just cannot bear with the fact that i am a passionate person. you know how aku menangis tengok movies, how i fell in love head over heels? how i am so fucking pathetic when i broke up?

i hated myself when i am in that kind of moment. desperate. feelings that are too big for my skin. what the fuck. aku cuba convince kan diri aku yang all of that are just bullshits. but guess what, lying to myself is fucking hard.

and now guess what, i have this crush on some guy. his music taste is bitching awesome, aku tergolek-golek terjatuh dekat dia. dia punya favorite movies are mine too. and come on, tell me, how many malay guys out there, listen to this one particular song: 'The Way You Look Tonight'? cuba bagitahu aku.

and because of my fucking passionate feelings, i would wait for him to be online, even if he's often online at 12.00 a.m. during that kind of time aku biasanya dah mengantuk gila babi sebab kerja and letih nak mampos. all i want to do is to fall asleep. but NOOO. the passionate and compassion Jazmin who is a fucking hopeless romantic waited for that guy. and chatted with him until it is 3 in the morning. and would not give a tiny rat's ass with the fact that i am going to be as tired as fuck the next morning.

itu pasal aku cakap, kadang-kadang ada feelings ini rasa macam crap. ya, aku mengaku sendiri, aku memang antara orang yang hopeless romantic. aku jatuh cinta. aku tergolek. aku suka orang buat poem untuk aku. aku suka orang buat mixtape untuk aku. aku suka orang buat kerja bodoh dengan aku even if that means that he and i will have to scream profanities like a bitch in the public. aku suka perasaan be loved. aku macam perempuan lain. aku pathetic.

aku ni dah pecah, retak. aku dah jadi beyond repairable. i am just waiting for the time to slowly heals me. lama jugak the time interval untuk aku jadi as good as new balik.

bila aku dah jadi macam ini balik. aku naik meluat dengan diri aku. aku lebih perefer dengan side diri aku yang stoic.

ohh and the one thing that i am so proud of myself is that, i do not cry. i will not cry. never in front of anybody. tears are meant to be kept for movies. not for being abused in real life.

come on jazmin, stop being such a fucking loser. man up. you are too tough to break now. falling in love is normal. so does falling out of love.

pathetic.

hahaha, in the end, sekarang aku still tengah tunggu dia online. fucking pathetic.

jazmin.