mindfuck.

assalamualaikum.

pardon me for my vulgar tittle. but one can't help but to cuss in certain moments. haha. but yeah, pardon me. cursing will calm me down sometime, like it or not, it is scienticfically proven.

you know why i had written 'mindfuck' as my tittle for today. because my feeling is all over the place. remember the time that wrote about i was over you? yeah, apparently, only half of me are over you, the other half is still there, waiting for you. you see how pathetic that is?? and i hate it when i feel pathetic about myself. it lowers my self-esteem and make me feel like a dick when i dont even have a dick.

argh!

so, yeah, i was missing a bunch of people one day, my friends whom i haven't seen in weeks. yes, i miss them so much, being a bitch around them, being happy around them, being able to talk which seemed like infinity around them, i miss them so much it broke my heart.

and suddenly guess what, the thought of you jumped into my mind, running around. and i thought, 'damn it' and sighed, 'this is a bloody mindfuck'. 'how dare you invade my thoughts!' i yelled internally and then i laughed. it is my fault not yours.

i can barely hear your name anymore, i might throw up. i dont want to cry over you because that seem like so much more lower than pathetic so i let my throat feel sick instead.

the weird thing is that i know, really, i know that i dont want to be with you anymore. because, maybe we are really not meant to be, and yes, i have accepted that and made peace with that.

but, why the hell, why in the world am i still missing you in the middle of something? why do i still love you so whenever i convinced myself otherwise?? huh?

mindfuck. this is what mindfuck means. to not truly understand yourself. mindfuck.

J

confession: my entry are mostly about you. i hate myself for it. really. but this is the only one place where i can really pour out what i am feeling without anything that will hold me back.

ps: at times like these, only the Holy Quran will help me because, Allah knows all the answer (: the solution for every problem is You (: