the ugly truth about me.

assalamualaikum.

let me make this easy. and as straight as i can be, because circling around like a gay is so confusing.

i don't want kids.

there you go. as bold as it can be. i am not proud. trust me, i am quite ashamed with myself after realizing this thing. i thought that i want kids. hell, i told everybody that i want 3 kids at most. but when i was talking to one of my elder friend, those words just came out as easy as breathing.

'i don't want kids.'

and suddenly, an elephant was lifted from my back. like any confessions, they tend to release the hot breath you've been holding.

you must be asking why in the world i would not want kids of my own. you must be saying how stupid i am and that what's the point of marriage if i don't even want to make babies. that's the whole purpose of marriage. don't you think about what your husband wants?

hey, do you think that i want to have fears like this? truth is, i fucked up a lot. and there are no doubts, if i ever have a baby, i will fucked that baby up too.

i am not one of those people who wants to have a job, have a dream home, handsome husband, cute little darlings, make plans for their money. no, i am not that. i know who i am and most of the time, knowing that scares the shit out of me.

i am the one who wants to be out all the time. i am the one who wants the sky to be my roof and the land to be my bed. i want the stars to call my name. i want my legs to be free. i want sunlight to give me all the UV it wants because, i am a wanderer. by heart, by brain and by soul. settling down sounds so hard, i don't want to. just let me have this alright. this thought that i will stay young forever. don't ruin this for me.

and yes, i have issues too. when i was growing up, my mother, was not the kind of mother she is now. the one who is always there. when i was an infant, she was not there. all the time. she tried alright, when she was home, she was the perfect mom, teaching me Quran and solat and english and stuff. but then, she is not home all the time. most of the time, i only saw her like 2 weeks in a month. tops.

hard to say it now but i used to hate my mother. i despise the fact that she was home when she was because, she's going to be all nice and honey and then she will walk away again. yes, i know, that was to find money for us to live easily but at that age, what the fuck do i know. all i knew that she left and when she left, i don't need her to come back. at that age, ohh, i fucked up a lot. i gave my parents shits. i don't even want to have a conversation with them.

i am a leaver. an expert leaver as matter of fact. unlike my mother, who traveled to lots of foreign countries for work and money, i just want to travel and to not care about money and people i left behind. i don't want to have responsibilities to tie me down from my dreams because, again, as selfish as it sounds, my dreams, they are my point of living. you know, to truly live.

i don't want my child to be left and that was when i decided, it's better to not have one at all.

on the other hand my 16 year old sister, she wants children. 8 or 10 whatever the number is, she wants children a lot. let me tell you why she wants children while i don't even want a child, it is because, when we were growing up, she always had me. i was always there for her, i was the one who took care of her, played with her, argue with her, be with her. i was the one she always looked up to. i was the one she had and when i was growing up without her, i got nobody.

she wants to have children so she can relive her childhood again, she wants to create another 'us' again. but i am so tired. i can't.

so, there you go. i am so ugly, you can barely look at me without vomiting inside.

and to my future husband, i know you will want kids, but bear with me for a couple of years, and just travel the world with me my love. lets discard every fucking thing we own and just catch the first flight out of here and then my dear, we'll make love under the stars. with condom. LOL.

i'll never be a mother but i can be the coolest aunt in the world for my nephews and nieces.

maybe Allah has other plans, but this is mine right now.

Jazmin.

confession: i love kids, i do, but i don't want any of them to be mine. please understand. i just need a person to understand because i don't to be the only person who is in this situation.

ps: my mother is an amazing mother now though. don't get me wrong. people can change.

pps: ya Allah, tolonglah bagi aku dapat TESL . amin