vulnerability sucks.

assalamualaikum.

vulnerable was never me. and never will be me. you see, i am not a touchy feely person. i don not like to cry in public and nor do i like to share my feelings. i don not talk about my feelings that much. but i write it instead. okay, so, what i am trying to say here is that, in spite of my lack of vulnerability, i am an honest, true and freaking hopeless romantic.

i hate that part of me. yes, this tell me that i am yet another common female who have feelings and hope to be head over heels in love one day. but hear me out, you have to understand me in order to understand what i am going to say. i always think about the worst case scenario, maybe it is paranoia or maybe it is just me. but i have always been like that. okay, now you can hear me out, but what if i don't fall in love? what if all i wanted is love, the love from a person who i will one day call my soulmate, what if i don't have one?

yes, i know about Qada' and Qadar, and i have no doubts at all that Allah had written and planned about nothing but the best of the best for me but i can't help but to think about the worse of everything. i know that i am still young and insya Allah, there will hell loads of other journeys out there for me, but i just can't help it.

the thing with me is that, i want, yes i really want to fall in love. i have been waiting for that moment. or maybe a deep crush on someone. in other words, i just want to have feelings again. not that i don't have any feelings now, but i want something that will make me smile out of the blue. i miss that, and the fucking worst thing is that i want that. the little part of me, the hopeless romantic side of me wants to feel those shits. i don't. i truly don't want that because i know it will lead to nothing but pure black dark pain.

the thing is, i am left with nothing but black dark pain. i want to replace it. i want to know that falling in love does not always have to be thing black dark pain.

in my brain and in my heart right now tells me that:

falling in love = black dark pain (dumbass, don't fall in love. this is bullshit)

*sigh*

now do you see why i hate that side of me which is a hopeless romantic? the need to fall in love, to believe that 'no, there is no such thing as the black dark pain'. this is fucking bullshit i tell you!

FUCKING BULLSHIT.

pardon me for my profanity, but i just get real mad at myself when i know certain stuff that is real, like 'the black dark pain' and i insist myself to NOT believe that. i am a good liar indeed, but when it comes to lying to my own face, i feel nothing but pure anger. how can i let myself believe that 'pain' will be gone. fuck that, the feeling of pain will decrease, but gone? gone? nah. bullshit. bullshit!

you see, i have so much time on my own to think about this things. i think i should find something else to entertain me instead of myself and my feelings. guess what, i hate my feelings and i hate some part of me. i am not always all smile and sunshine. when time comes, i will be nothing but a bitch. and that in result will make me hate myself even more knowing that i bitch a lot.

i am only human. but so are the other trillio gazillio people out there. i hate excuses especially when i made it for me. damn it, the depression moment is kicking in. i need to concentrate on other stuff or i will go bipolar.

haha, yes, i made a depressed joke. any problem?

i need to smile, yes, and be happy. i need to. i have to. it is the only thing that will keep myself real.

do you love me? just a little bit. do you still think of me out of the blue. do you still smile at the memories of me and you? do you still remember me? do you hate me? do you miss me?

because damn it, i still want to vomit whenever the thought of you popped in my head.

a very heartless person

J

confession: fuck this shit, i am going to make a novel.