assalamualaikum.

i guess that i have always been a loner.

jazmin

sometimes.

assalamualaikum.

sometimes. i am a total mess. just fucking disgusting. sometimes, i gave up on my hopes to find dragons and to be friends with zombies.

sometimes i look at myself and there are nothing but loathe but sometimes, there too many emotions, i can barely fit them inside me.

sometimes, i feel like i am not worth to be with anybody but sometimes, i feel that i am too fucking good for anyone to own me.

sometimes, the world is too big and too small at the same time. sometimes i feel like i don't belong. sometimes, i just have to face to truth that i will never have a pet pokemon.

sometimes, everything seems so wrong. so fucking wrong that even breathing has become something that i have to tell myself to do instead of being a simple involuntry act.

sometimes. everything seems so perfect, i don't even want to move because of the fear that i might ruin that moment.

and most of the time, i do.

sometimes. that is how time works.

jazmin

new perspectives.

assalamualaikum.

i don't know what to write, what to talk about, what to sing, what to look at. i don't know. i am basically lost.

i need new perspectives. just like Panic! At The Disco song.

everything seems so blur at the edges. how can i live like that when i have always been living on the edge.

new perspectives, come to life. i need you.

j

guess i am not a lesbian after all.

assalamualaikum.

hahahaha. i am always a sucker for a guy with an awesome taste of music. by awesome taste of music, i mean, really awesome taste of music.

when he suggested a song for me to hear, man, it was a shame that i never heard that song before him. and it goes on and on and on like that for a long time. when he ask me to listen to another song, BAM! a mind blowing experience again.

hahaha. i think i secretly like you. like a ninja.

i am a ninja.

jazmin.

confession: it has been a long time since i like a guy. not the kind of falling in love shits. you know, the kind of like where you just wanna hang and talk forever. not love. guess i am not a lesbian after all. hahaha.

things my parents taught me.

assalamualaikum.

you see, as you already know, growing up i hated my parents. but now, when i am a little bit mature, my childhood came to life.

my childhood was amazing. though my mother would be gone half of the month but the other half, well, i was the luckiest kid alive.

the clearest memory i have of my childhood is this one:

i told my parents that my sister and i wanted to play in the rain. because even when i was a child, rain seems so beautiful and lightning, well, they are the silver lining. unlike any other parents, my parents didn't say no. they never did told us to not play in the rain. not once. she said 'not today.' but again, i was a child and that equals to a big fat no.

the next day, my mother came home bearing gifts. she brought us a raincoat. a beautiful pink raincoat with the picture of snoopy. and my father, he brought us a new umbrella. a yellow one for me and a green one for my sister. that evening, my sister and i played in the rain. we tumbled on the green grass. my father took out a beaker and said that we can measure the amount of rain. so we did.

when the rain stopped, my parents made an artificial rain. they sprayed water from the hose to the sky and it came down like pretty little diamonds.

it is one of the best memories i have.

growing up, i learnt a lot. but the lesson that i am most impressed an in awe of is this one.

make mistakes.

they let me make mistakes. because as an arrogant bitch, i have to learn the hard way. always the hard way.

i stole things from them when they found out, the beat the shit out of me.

i lied to them. when they found out, they let me be. knowing that i would learn the lesson all by myself without them almost killing me.

when i ran away from home, they let me run because they knew i will always come back. i came back a little bit after maghrib because it was dark and i was hungry. they didn't let me in. i stayed outside until 9.

when i did the horrible thing, they turned their heads and told me that Allah is always there. get the syaitans out of you. you know better. and they told me they love me.

when i talked back, they slapped me.

when i yell and didn't wanna go to school they caned me.

when i get yelled by teacher they came to school and ask them to cane me next time instead of just yelling.

when i didn't do my homework, and i told them i was done, they let me be. they say that when i am all grown up and i am stupid, it will always be my fault.

i was called with names when i was growing up. having a bad teeth and skinny body will make you the ultimate target. but my parents, they told me to toughen up. but all i did was cry. but never in front of the bullies or my parents. i became tough on the outside.

thanks to them, i have a thick skin. you can call me names. tell me to fuck myself. tell me that i am fucking ugly because my teeth looks like a monster's teeth. you can step on me. you can chase me down to then end of the earth. you can slap and beat the crap out of me. you can tell me that i am not accepted.

i learnt on how not to care on petty stupid things.

i learnt how to live.

how to survive.

how to be happy.

i learnt how to be a girl that they had gave birth to. a girl they had raised and love. a girl that screws up everything and still manages to stand up at the end of the day.

i learnt how to be Nurul Jazmin Binti Fauzan.

without them, there won't be an awesome JazminFauzan that you know of today.

Nurul Jazmin Binti Fauzan.

confession: whatever happens to me, i know they are already proud. Emak, Abah, i love you.

silly wishes.

assalamualaikum.

erm. yeah. so, i didn't get TESL. erm, yeah, so i am waiting for the IIUM result to come out. and hopefully i will get to study asasi BI there.

and as usual, my expectations are, well, i never expect anything. see what expectations did to me, it crushed me like petty little things. it is my fault to hope that UITM will accept me, and then, WHAM BAM STAMP THANK YOU MA'AM, yeah, it just shot me in the eye. funny things happen when you are a silly wisher.

insya Allah i will get this one. this is not in any way an expectation or a hope. this is a prayer. because when hopes and expectations doesn't give a crap about me, Allah will. He always will.

so, ya Allah, most gracious and most merciful, to You and only You will i turn to because never once You had let me down. and if You did, well, it was all for the better reasons and results. only to You i will hand my dreams to. and only to You i will pray to. do whatever it is to make me a better person. if that means to shut down my dreams, shut it. because i know You'll do it just for the sake of getting me to a better place.

please ya Allah. please.

jazmin.

confession: i want to study again.

to be pretty.

assalamualaikum.

kadang2, aku pandang diri aku depan cermin dan aku cakap, 'wow, aku kurus gila doh.' and that is the fact. aku kurus. but i am not complaining here, dude, aku syukur gila aku dapat badan kurus even though kadang2 aku makan macam raksasa gorgon.

tapi kadang2 orang ketawa, dikatanya aku tak ada boobs, aku tak ada figura badan, aku tak ada lentuk, aku terlampau keras. macam mana lelaki nak suka dekat aku? hahaha, funny thing is guys like me. not for what i look because most of the time, aku comot. aku mengaku, aku memang comot. guys want to be friend with me because i am me. bukannya sebab aku lawa. bukannya sebab tetek aku besar. bukannya sebab bontot aku besar. bukannya sebab aku pakai baju ketat.

bukanlah aku nak mengutuk orang yang ada tetek dan bontot besar. itu rezeki mereka. tapi aku syukur aku tak dianugerahkan dengan antara salah satu. aku tak mahu dipandang sebagai perempuan yang biasa. yang orang cuma boleh ingat kalau kau describe saiz cup dia.

contoh:

'eh, kau kenal tak minah yang haritu?'

' yang mana?'

'alaaa, minah yang hot gila babi, aku rasa pakai cup Z kot.'

'ooohh, yang itu! hot gila sial.'

'muka dia pun cun jugak.'

'muka? aku tak ingatlah. cuma ingat dia punya 2 bantal tu je.'

'hahahaha'

trust me, i was part of that conversation. susah sebenarnya nak jadi cantik ni sebab ramai sangat orang yang cantik dekat dunia ni. sampai dah tak kenal yang mana satu.

cuba jadi ni;

'kau ingat tak minah gila bangang tu?'

'ohh, yang jerit PENIS kuat2 dekat kantin tu ke? gilalah. aku teringin nak buat.'

no one will forget that. hahaha

alaa, rezeki masing2. aku punya rezekilah sebab sampai sekarang masih lagi jadi orang papan. maksudnya, tak ada lelaki yang ghairah nak tengok aku seksi. jadi mereka tak pandang aku. alhamdulillah, rezeki aku.

jazmin.

just you wait.

assalamualaikum.

i've always wanted to be researcher. you know, to discover something or maybe uncover. there are differences you know. i know i wanted to be a writer and to be a writer you have to have stuffs to write about, and from there i came out the desire of researching.

some people are interested in cats, fishes, ships, battles, swords, ninja, or motherfucking bastards who gotten out of jail somehow. there are people who had done researches on these stuffs.

and if i (InsyaAllah) will ever be researcher, i would want to write about music. how certain music can fulfill you. you know, music does not only come from the instrument, it comes from the voice and according to nowadays music, they are basically resemble a lot to shits or crap or whatever in between. and voices does not always have to sing about love songs or rock songs or blues, they can also be people who recites the Quran oh so beautifully, one that can make your tears flood your heart and give that overwhelming feeling you can't bear. heart wrenching, and pure genius kind of voice. that is music too.

so, music and writing. couldn't get any better. i know that will starve to death, but hey, without passion, work is just work. nothing will ever come out of it. satisfaction zero.

wait for me. just you wait.

jazmin

let me be

assalamualaikum.

i don't really understand why there is a need to discriminate. i don't ask for a lot. all i am asking for is a little bit of understanding and well, patience i guess.

i don't understand why the fact that i am interested in art and literature means that i, quite frankly does not have any future ahead of me.

i don't understand why does the dream that i have, which is to be a writer seems to concern a lot of stupid people.

'writing is a dying field, by the time you made it, you will be at least 50++'


*deep breath*

so what if i finally made it (insya Allah) i will be old and wrinkled and ugly? i don't mind. at least i finally accomplish my long lived dream before i actually die.

you think i don't know how hard it is to make it? the money, the time, the sacrifice, the fucking sacrifice that i have to make, so that i would make it? you think i don't know that there are lots of other better people than me out there? you think i don't know that people barely read anymore? you think i don't know all that facts?

hey, i know.

books, reading, they are the dying, wilting, wonderful things in the world. given the smart technology nowadays, a book does not have a value anymore. everything is on the fucking line, on the net on the virtual world.

what about hugging a book to sleep, keeping a book in your bag just in case if you get bored, re-reading the same old yellowed book again and again. what about the awesome smell after you kept a book for a period of time. what about that? what if the next generations miss all that.

what if, all the books died, they say, what if no one wants to read anymore.

guess what, i would still not going to stop writing.

don't you understand that writing has simply become as easy as breathing for me? and just like breathing, i will die if i ever stop doing it.

so, stop discriminating me. i know what i am going to get myself into. okay. i know you are concern and i don't know, weirded out maybe. but please, i don't need any of that.

my parents said;

'i am not going to stop you.'

thank you for allowing me to make mistakes. for me to learn. thank you for not judging be and fine when i am not as smart in math or science as you hoped for. thank you for not being disappointed in me.

let me be.

jazmin.

D6

assalamualaikum. hi.

my name is Nurul Jazmin and I am from district 6. and i volunteer to be in the Hunger Games for next year because yeah, apparently, I have got nothing to lose. except for my whole life.

hahaha.

nahh, but this movie was quite, i don't know how to put it but, it is not what i expected considering i didn't even know that there was an actual book series about this movie. but yeah, it was quite awesome rather than twilight. seriously.

Katniss is the kind of girl i want to be. the one who could climb a tree without even trying. yes, i have always wanted to climb trees. tried once, fell down and bruised my back kind of bad, so my parents didn't let me do it again. but then again, i am not even surprised the i fell because i can barely make it to the end of a monkey bar.

yeah, i just wanna show you that i am from district 6 and my picture looks kinda awesome. did i mention that i was a photographer at this one wedding. hahah. just saying.

saja nak post something yang other than depressing stuff. i am ridiculous you know. i am.

j

ugly

so ugly.

kepada satu dua yang masih lagi membaca.

assalamualaikum.

aku tahu tak ramai yang membaca aku punya nukilan di sini. mungkin sebab tak ramai yang tahu dan malas nak baca typing aku yang berjela-jela.

tapi kepada satu dua yang masih membaca,

aku harap aku pegang kata-kata aku. jangan kau hebahkan kepada semua seperti, 'eh, kau tahu tak si jazmin, alaaa, jazmin tu taknak anak? apalah bangang sangat?' aku dah ada cukup mata untuk memerhati aku dan cukup mulut untuk memaki aku. semuanya dah cukup.

kepada satu dua yang masih membaca,

kau patut tahu, disini aku luahkan semua yang tak mampu aku tuturkan melalui mulut aku. disini tempatnya aku mengadu. kalau kau kenal aku yang sebenar, aku tak reti untuk menyuarakan pedih hati aku. aku tak ada orang untuk aku luahkan semua. ataupun, aku tak nak ada orang yang mengetahui apa yang jadikan aku ini hodoh rasanya.

kepada satu dua yang masih lagi membaca,

ini rahsia aku. aku kongsi dengan satu dua orang di dunia yang berjuta ini. terimakasih kerana menjadi mata yang meneman tulisan aku dikala mereka perlukan. terimakasih kerana tak pernah bosan. dan terimakasih kerana kau tidak menghakimi aku di depan mata aku. terimakasih. kerana satu dua daripada kamulah yang mengetahui diri aku, jiwa aku, sewaktu ianya masih mentah dan muda serta terbogel.

kepada satu dua yang masih lagi membaca,

terimakasih.

J

confession: tolong doakan aku untuk dapat UPU. aku mahu TESL ataupun Asasi Bahasa Inggeris. tolong doakan aku (:

musik.

assalamualaikum.

ada dua jenis musik dalam hidup aku, musik2 yang memenuhi jantung aku.

1. alunan musik yang lembut serta menenangkan apabila aku membaca kalam2 Allah.

2. musik yang musik. musik real. bukan musik yang autotuned atau bunyi techno. tidak. musik bagi aku adalah musik yang ditemankan gitar, bass, drum, bunyian asli, acapella sekalipun tetap musik.

musik adalah jiwa aku. musik2 ini yang mendefinisikan aku.

aku membesar dengan musik2 ini sepanjang hidup aku dan aku tak tahu samada aku mampu untuk teruskan kalau musik ini tiada lagi bermain di telinga aku.

musik adalah batu aku. sesuatu yang takkan berubah.

j.

an invisible phone line.

assalamualaikum.

it is now, 12.41 in the morning. let me tell you what i did just now.

i looked at my phone, scrolling down the numbers in my contact. heh. bored. so i pressed the number 1 on my phone and i forgot that i put a number as a speed dial on it. and it is yours.

i looked at the number for a long time. i realized that i still can recite your number by heart even though i haven't called you in a long time. the numbers, they came so easy and so did the memories.

i know that this next paragraph will sound silly but bear with me.

i looked at the number on my phone and i imagined that i was calling you. i put the phone on my ear and the silent dial tone bloomed in my ears. 4 or 5 imaginary dial tones or so, i imagined you picking up the phone, your voice not yet sleepy because you don't sleep early.

'hello, assalamualaikum?' you will sound weird of me calling you.

silent.

'jaz?' my name will roll along with your tongue.

'hey! wa'alakumsalam. watcha doin?' i will try to act as nonchalant as i possibly can but my heart will beat like shit and my throat, they will start puking inside out.

'erm, nothing interesting. benda biasa je. jaz?' you will say that, because this is my imagination so i can make you say anything. but i chose that sentence because it resembles you the most.

i lowered my voice and whispered to the corner of the phone and said, 'i miss you tonight. please stop killing me.'

after that, i hung up.

and then i looked at the phone and realized that i was talking to nobody. i was using the invisible phone line. an imaginary voice. an imaginary conversation. i am even sure that i got your voice right.

i think of you all the time. but missing you is another thing. missing you comes once in a blue moon. it comes not so often but when it came, it kills a part of me.

bear with me. i am not strong.

j.

confession: .................................................