i started to miss you again right after i finished watching a movie called 'Like Crazy'. i wish i can really, like really really express about how i felt at that time. all i know was that, i cried like crazy. i cried so bad that i can barely catch my breath. i cried so hard, i didn't even realise that i am not breathing at that time. i cried so hard until my head started to hurt and i felt nauseous. i cried so hard, it hurt my heart.

usually, when i was at that kind of wrecked state, you are the only person i can think of to call. but then, who am i to call you in 4.00 in the morning any more? right? so i scrolled down my contacts in my phone, thinking, 'who the hell am i suppose to talk now?'. i must have scrolled about three times, and each time when i stumble upon your name and number, my fingers itched to press the green button. how easy it is to reach to you, just one tiny button and i can hear your voice again. i almost pressed it, i swear to God, i really want to press it. but, thinking straight again, what are you really going to say to me when i called you with my voice choking with tears? it might go all awkward and i will regret it. so, i did not.

instead, i turned to a good girlfriend of mind, who does not even mind me calling in the middle of the night, sobbing like crazy. she asked me why, and when i didn't answer, she just let me cry my heart out. and between my sobbings, i laughed. yes, i laughed and i curse at myself and she laughed with me. after that, she distracted me with her drama, which i don't mind because i prefer to hear someone else's stories rather than mine. she told me not to call you because once i call you, she knows i am going to love you all over again.

when we finally hung up, i was empty again. usually when i called you, you will talk to me until i am no longer capable of talking. until i fall asleep. but she is not you. and i can't compare her to you.

that was a week ago. and last night, i watched that movie again, and i cried all the same. to tell you the truth, i was even wrecked last night than last week.

when other people are thinking about the future, i think about the past where there was you and there was me.

fuck it, you think i want to miss you? you think i really need to miss you? i fucking hate to miss you alright. i hate it so much. because you know what, i still love you. whatever had i done to hate you does not work. or maybe i don't want to hate you. maybe i don't even want to get over you.

you ruined me. i can't fall in love anymore. you had made my expectations towards other men too high. and none of them can reach it. hell, i don't want any of them to reach it.

damn you.

but then, i know i will never be enough for you. i may humour you from time to time, but i am never going to be enough for you. yes, i am well aware of that. you want a religious woman who is going to make your life now and after easier. but me, i am not that. i am never going to be a woman. much less a really religious one with the long hijab and everything. i will try maybe. but even that will never be enough.

i can't be polite all the time because i hate to not say the awful truth. i am just that kind of person. i can never laugh the right tone or not curse. i can never stop jumping or stop yelling or stop acting like a kid because that is not me. i can never be that woman for you because i am never ever ever going to be her.

the woman you want is too different from me. or maybe you don't want it to be me in the first place?

i will never know that will i? am i your mistake? because you are not.

i miss you. i love you. maybe there is still a tiny little place the size of a dust which still love the little bits of me, or even miss me from time to time. but i know for sure you will never ever ever love me like you did before. you will never be in love with me. not anymore.

i will never stop loving you that's for sure. after all that you have done for me, you deserve that. i had never experience what i had with you with anyone else. yet.

hello, i am jazmin, i am already halved, anybody else care to join me?

jaz.

confession: hey, hey. urm. arghh. i just wish you know. that's all. i wish you know that i want to kill you. and keep you in my closet.

ps: damn you.

'lama-lama kau jadi bosanlah jaz.' the efff?

assalamualaikum.

*sigh*

i should have known. letting loose and letting down my guard was not a good idea. i should have learnt my lesson. heh, i don't know why am i so bloody thick? sometimes, even the most obvious thing, i find myself still searching for me. am i that stupid? why haven't i realise it? the hell with it.

you know, i had let myself down a few times before. and still, i am that blind. arghhh! good lord, why am i so thick?

yes, i do know people do like me. but only when i am in my crazy crazy attitude. but when i am as boring as crap, people won't even take a second glance at me.

you see,

i am this happy-go-lucky,

i-don't-give-a-damn,

live-like-i-never-did,

kind of girl. most of the time, i am that girl. most of the time. but, when the time is not right and all the things around me had gone wrong or i am just simply bored, i get this weird persona coming out. yes, i am not happy and crazy and reckless and impulsive all the time. i am still a person, a human being and a geek too.

i hate it when people think that i am all that i am when they look at me. i hate it when they think i am always so bloody happy and crazy and reckless all the time. i hate it!

because, when i am not, they'll hate me. i know they will. they had pretty much shove it to my face just to make it clear. i am not all like that all the time. all of you should know.

sometimes, i just feel like lying on my bed all day and read some handsome book. or sometimes, i feel like putting some good music and draw. sometimes i prefer quietness for me to write. sometimes i just want to imagine things on my own. sometimes i just want to sleep the day. sometimes i just want to remember. sometimes, i just want to be on my own.

i don't want company all day long. i don't want to be for someone else all day long. i don't want to be so bloody happy just so that i can please some other people. i don't want to cheer up your day when my day is not that good too. i don't want to be in this constant place where i need to be polite, funny, crazy just to make other people smile and happy.

hey,

what about me? who the bloody hell will make me smile in return? not you! and monster, not you too. i know you are just using me to make yourself happy because, hell yeah, i can make you happy like nobody can. i know i can. i was born like that. it's in me. i can make people smile.

so monster,

you are no different. and don't you dare to beg to differ. because, there's no way you can prove it the other way around. you bloody know that i am right.

when i come to you to let out my anger, to give some piece of my mind so i could feel a little better like you did to me, what you did was, you yelled at me. you yelled back at me. you freaking yelled. you throw nasty words back at me. you stomp me with your anger, and it was me, again, suppose to make you feel better. as it it was my fault.

and now, you told me that i am a boring person. just now, you told me that, 'lama-lama kau jadi bosan jaz.'

the heck?

well, shiny toys aren't forever shiny. i am right aren't i? so, like everybody else who had used me, walk away. just walk away and act like you don't know me anymore. i could care any less. it had been done before. so, i wouldn't be surprise if it happens again.

yes, i am tired. so please, so hanging hopes on me to make you feel better. don't make me fall for you and to care for you anymore. because, i am the one ended up feeling upset like shit. it is me who will feel left behind and forgotten.

this may sound selfish, but it was always me and always will be me.

just stop it okay?

jazminfauzan.

confession: tiga puluh satu ogos. semalam. ya, aku rasa macam tahi. ya, aku rindu awak. buat apa nak menipu kan? buang masa. ya, ya, aku rindu awak.

ps: bodoh, siapa kata sampai tua tu wujud? aku hidup dalam buih angan yang halus. bila dah meletup baru nak perasan. kenapalah aku bebal sangat?

pps: ya, aku rindu awak. aku rindu. sumpah aku rindu. tiba2. rindu dengan segala apa yang kita pernah ada dan segala apa yang kita sepatutnya ada. aku rindu aku dengan awak. aku rindu kita. aku rindu bila aku masih ada orang yang bersedia untuk jadi punching bag aku.

ppps: aku rindu tempat awak dalam jantung aku. aku rindu untuk toleh ke tepi dan nampak awak. aku rindu kata2 awak. aku rindu rasa jatuh cinta tiap2 hari. aku rindu awak yang sentiasa tak kisah dengan perangai aku yang macam sial. aku rindu awak yang tak kisah muka aku hodoh macam mana pun. aku rindu semuanya.

sumpah, aku rindu awak. dan ya, memang sakit.

you're home.

assalamualaikum.

you're home aren't you? i guess, not one of us is big enough or man enough to confront one another. confront wouldn't be precise i guess, look for each other. you particularly. maybe you had forgotten me.

well,

i don't mind. people bound to forget. and i am not the exception in your life. i am aware of that. maybe i am the only one who's waiting for something that does not even exist anymore. my fault. my fault. not that i am hoping in any sort of ways. maybe it is a little bit disturbing for me because, i don't understand why am i feeling like a shite in the first place.

look at me. rambling craps and ruining the art of words. my bad. my bad. my bad. my bad.

so, yeah, you're home. *smile* hope you're okay and fine and blessed. just so you know, you're still awesome.

so, you're home (:

Jazmin.

confession: heyawww, been a long time since i blogged bebeh. fun fun fun (:

Cannibal.

pernah sekali aku dimakan dek manusia kanibal. dia kata kulit aku halus mulus licin. bila dilihatnya aku dari jauh, dia kata dia penasaran, hatinya gelisah, otaknya terfikir-fikir tentang kelazatan aku. senang kata, dia obses.

dari lirik mata dia yang panas dan tajam, 1 km jaraknya pun aku masih lagi terasa. t-shirt aku seperti terbakar dengan kepanasan tenungan dia. tekak aku kering dan jantung aku tak berhenti berlari. aku tahu yang aku akan dibaham. aku juga tahu tak kira betapa jauh aku lari, aku tak mungkin dapat lari dari dia kerana itu semua takdir. aku tahu.

sebab itulah aku diam pabila dia mendekati aku. sebab itulah aku tak bernafas bila dia menghidu aku. sebab itulah aku tak menjawab bila dia tanyakan aku siapa. aku diam dan aku diam dan aku diam. aku tak rasa yang dia mahukan apa-apa dari aku selain daripada daging aku.

tetapi dia hanya berdiri di hadapan aku. tegak dia berdiri seperti ukiran batu. kulitnya porcelain dan bibirnya merah awan maghrib. matanya memandang aku dengan pandangan yang penuh kasihan. hey, aku tak perlukan simpati empati, jika kau mahu membaham aku, baham saja, aku tak perlu semua itu, kata aku kepada dia. tetapi dia hanya memandang aku dengan mata kacanya. kemudian perlahan dia ambil kedua-dua belah tangan aku dan digenggamnya di tangan dia dan kemudian, perlahan-lahan dia kucup setiap satu tangan aku.

lembut.

halus.

kemudian ditatapnya kembali wajah aku. tanpa aku sedar, jantung aku sudah berada di dalam genggamannya. dalam. genggaman. dia. aku tak tahu bila, walhal aku perisaikan jantung aku dengan gadget yang paling berkelas didunia.

sucker, dia kata, dan kemudian dia menenggelamkan taringnya ke dalam jantung aku. sedalam-dalamnya.

heh, tertipu lagi nampaknya. kenapa aku percaya?

JazminFauzan

confession: nasihat untuk diri aku sendiri, biar aku tak hilangkan lagi jantung aku. nak bayar ganti rugi mahal gila. manalah aku pergi mengemis duit nak beli jantung baru.

ps: dia, awak nak nak buat macam tu kah?

masa.

assalamualaikum.

ya Allah. Alhamdulillah.

well, i've been busy. and being busy is okay i guess. better than doing nothing. but do you know what's better when i am busy. i didn't think of you. yes you. i thought it would be over by now. i really do. yes, i am trying and i never stop trying to get over instead of being kept under. so, i keep thinking, what should i do so i will be busy forevermore. i compacted my schedule with so many things. not that i have a schedule but i made myself busy each and everytime i found myself wondering, 'how to make it right,' or 'what the hell went wrong,'. i get out of the way whenever that type of questions popped into mind. i've been asking myself hell lots of time with that questions before.

hence, i never had the answer. it's Allah's way to show that He had other plans for me and i am so sure that it will be better. so, like it or not, i have to stop myself from asking that kind of absurd question anymore. i am a busy bee nowdays.

whenever you popped into mind... you know, it still hurts. like i torn apart my skin and pour it with some lime juice or something. it hurts so bad that sometimes, tears will sting my eyes. and i do not like that at all.

i dont know how long it will take, i thought that by these times, i will be over you but instead, look at me. i guess, when you had that kind of past, it is never easy to forget. it's like a scar on your face. whenever you look in the mirror it'll just tell the whole tale.

especially you. from a torn wound, to a bruised skin. it still hurts. i know that time will soon just change it to scar. it'll no longer hurt but it also never fade.

hebat sungguh awak. paling suka menghabiskan masa saya. salah saya juga. siapa suruh cari ruang untuk masukkan awak walaupun awak dah tarik diri bukan?

sorry, i am busy.

but you'll always stay as 'always have and always will.'

(:

coretan.rentetan.saya.

Jazmin.

pengakuan: sudah lama tak membebel. sekali taip, berterabur keluar semuanya.

lirik: sekadar kata.

assalamualaikum.

tirai di angkat dengan perlahan.

perlahan juga ku tarik nafas aksara.

ku diberikan, perkataan.

dan kuludahkan maruah yang aku simpan.

tapi sayang yang keluar hanyalah kata.

suara masih tersemat di dalam dada.

bibir ku ketap tak memanggil siapa.

hanya memandang mata yang terkebil saja.

aku disuruh ketawa sewaktu ku sedih.

aku disuruh menangis ketika ku mahu menjerit.

ku terperangkap di atas pentas.

tirai dibuka dan aku ialah 'dia'.

tapi sayang yang keluar hanyalah kata.

suara masih tersemat di dalam dada.

bibir ku ketap tak memanggil siapa.

hanya memandang mata yang terkebil saja.

aku dihiaskan bagai permainan.

aku sisipkan lakonan di balik penipuan.

terperangkap.

tiada yang mendengar.

tapi sayang. tapi sayang.

yang ku jerit hanyalah kata.

bukan suara.

jazmin.

video di atas sebelah kiri (:

berani berdiri dah cukup bagus.

assalamualaikum.

aku seorang pelakon.

di balik tabir aku menangis.

airmata bergayut di kelopak.

namun.

bila diangkatnya layar.

aku disuruh senyum.

aku dipaksa ketawa.

aku bersembunyi di belakang watak.

yang megah dan gagah.

aku bertopengkan keberanian.

yang sekadar kata.

tetapi bukan suara.

sayang.

aku cuma pelakon.

suara yang menyampaikan madah kosong.

kata yang sekadar bohong.

sayang bukan?

tetapi, berdiri jadi berani di depan khalayak yang tak seberapa. buat aku sedar, ada baiknya jadi pelakon daripada diri sendiri di balik tabir. yang lemah, pengalah.

aku pelakon bukan?

coretan.bodoh.hodoh.

jazmin.

pengakuan: tiada motif.

diam.

assalamualaikum.

kau pejam mata.

cuba kau bisukan suara.

biarkan bunyi tak menerpa telinga.

penjarakan suara di lubuk dunia.

biarkan mata kau digelapkan warna.

deria kau mati biar tak merasa.

keringkan telaga airmata yang terbenam.

kosongkan jiwa yang dahulunya penuh.

dan lupakan engkau yang dulu.

nescaya kan diam dunia engkau.

coretan.kosong.sangat.

jazmin.

pengakuan: beritahu aku, kalau aku jatuh, apa perlu aku bangun? kalau aku ketawa perlukah aku berhenti. dan jika aku tidur, adakan akan aku bangun.

saya sudah besar nampaknya. mereka dah keluar.

gogglegediks.

gogglebonbon.

(:

gogglehyke

gogglemeer

gogglecap

assalamualaikum.

entah, bila pergi sekolah, nostalgik pula bila memikirkan yang paling tua ada di sana ialah umur saya. pelik. weird.

it's weird to be the one kids look up on to. it's funny when people expect me or us to be matured when we are obviously not.

and, entah. it's just not right anymore without the people above. it's like, weird. entah. i never thought that i'll grow up and going to be leaving school one of these days. goshh.

i am growing up without realising it. and it's terrifying. it's too much to take it at times.

entahh.

coretan.rentetan.entah.

jazmin

pengakuan: rindu. serius rindu. bukan saya sorang saja cakap macam ini. orang lain pun sama.

ps: haikal, aku cilok gambar dari mukabuku kau. (:

the end.

assalamualaikum.

the end.

are you familiar with this feeling? there's this scratching pain that is scorching on your heart. there's suddenly an unfamiliar touch of tears lingering on the corner of your eyes. the way you have to tell yourself to breathe in but your mind wouldn't react to it. suddenly, there's these voices you're hearing, the one you had forbid yourself to hear. the memories you're neglecting come across your mind. the touch of the familiar skin, and the scent that you used to adore dawdling around you.

it's like a ghost. and whilst i was telling myself i am not afraid, it'll come back haunting me, reminding me that, i can't just pass through it. there's pain. and there's wound i shall soon witness on me.

i really hope that this will comes to an end. some things are unbearable, though i know Allah won't give His servants something that they can never handle. i believe so much in Him so, i know, one day it'll be over.

there's no winner between me and the ghost, there's just strings that never wanted to be abandoned. but then, it'll snap soon.

then the ghost shall soon find it's path and so do i.

fin.

coretan.harapan.saya.

jazmin

pengakuan: insya Allah (:

tahun baru bagi ranting kering (:

assalamualaikum awal masihi duaribusebelas.

at first i was like 'what the hell? SPM already kah?' *sigh*

then i started going insane. so, here's my wish.

HAPP

PY

NEW

YEAR!!

huh? weird? get over it dude.

here's my bed partner. mr.apeduck and eminem.

so, happy new year again. next year i'll be out of school and who knows what might happen to me by that time. i just hope that this year i'll be better that yesteryear. and, like any other student, i tend to study harder for better life in this world and to never forget Allah, no matter how forgetful i might be. less cursing too.

entah, just the same resolution i made this awal muharam. not much difference. i just vow to myself to keep it as long as i can. try as hard as i can. and i don't know. i really had nothing to say. just, have a nice new year.

coretan.tahun.baru

jazmin.

pengakuan: what happened to us? why am i always find harm to myself when i am almost perfectly fine? why?

ps: again. what had happen to us? tell me.