'lama-lama kau jadi bosanlah jaz.' the efff?

assalamualaikum.

*sigh*

i should have known. letting loose and letting down my guard was not a good idea. i should have learnt my lesson. heh, i don't know why am i so bloody thick? sometimes, even the most obvious thing, i find myself still searching for me. am i that stupid? why haven't i realise it? the hell with it.

you know, i had let myself down a few times before. and still, i am that blind. arghhh! good lord, why am i so thick?

yes, i do know people do like me. but only when i am in my crazy crazy attitude. but when i am as boring as crap, people won't even take a second glance at me.

you see,

i am this happy-go-lucky,

i-don't-give-a-damn,

live-like-i-never-did,

kind of girl. most of the time, i am that girl. most of the time. but, when the time is not right and all the things around me had gone wrong or i am just simply bored, i get this weird persona coming out. yes, i am not happy and crazy and reckless and impulsive all the time. i am still a person, a human being and a geek too.

i hate it when people think that i am all that i am when they look at me. i hate it when they think i am always so bloody happy and crazy and reckless all the time. i hate it!

because, when i am not, they'll hate me. i know they will. they had pretty much shove it to my face just to make it clear. i am not all like that all the time. all of you should know.

sometimes, i just feel like lying on my bed all day and read some handsome book. or sometimes, i feel like putting some good music and draw. sometimes i prefer quietness for me to write. sometimes i just want to imagine things on my own. sometimes i just want to sleep the day. sometimes i just want to remember. sometimes, i just want to be on my own.

i don't want company all day long. i don't want to be for someone else all day long. i don't want to be so bloody happy just so that i can please some other people. i don't want to cheer up your day when my day is not that good too. i don't want to be in this constant place where i need to be polite, funny, crazy just to make other people smile and happy.

hey,

what about me? who the bloody hell will make me smile in return? not you! and monster, not you too. i know you are just using me to make yourself happy because, hell yeah, i can make you happy like nobody can. i know i can. i was born like that. it's in me. i can make people smile.

so monster,

you are no different. and don't you dare to beg to differ. because, there's no way you can prove it the other way around. you bloody know that i am right.

when i come to you to let out my anger, to give some piece of my mind so i could feel a little better like you did to me, what you did was, you yelled at me. you yelled back at me. you freaking yelled. you throw nasty words back at me. you stomp me with your anger, and it was me, again, suppose to make you feel better. as it it was my fault.

and now, you told me that i am a boring person. just now, you told me that, 'lama-lama kau jadi bosan jaz.'

the heck?

well, shiny toys aren't forever shiny. i am right aren't i? so, like everybody else who had used me, walk away. just walk away and act like you don't know me anymore. i could care any less. it had been done before. so, i wouldn't be surprise if it happens again.

yes, i am tired. so please, so hanging hopes on me to make you feel better. don't make me fall for you and to care for you anymore. because, i am the one ended up feeling upset like shit. it is me who will feel left behind and forgotten.

this may sound selfish, but it was always me and always will be me.

just stop it okay?

jazminfauzan.

confession: tiga puluh satu ogos. semalam. ya, aku rasa macam tahi. ya, aku rindu awak. buat apa nak menipu kan? buang masa. ya, ya, aku rindu awak.

ps: bodoh, siapa kata sampai tua tu wujud? aku hidup dalam buih angan yang halus. bila dah meletup baru nak perasan. kenapalah aku bebal sangat?

pps: ya, aku rindu awak. aku rindu. sumpah aku rindu. tiba2. rindu dengan segala apa yang kita pernah ada dan segala apa yang kita sepatutnya ada. aku rindu aku dengan awak. aku rindu kita. aku rindu bila aku masih ada orang yang bersedia untuk jadi punching bag aku.

ppps: aku rindu tempat awak dalam jantung aku. aku rindu untuk toleh ke tepi dan nampak awak. aku rindu kata2 awak. aku rindu rasa jatuh cinta tiap2 hari. aku rindu awak yang sentiasa tak kisah dengan perangai aku yang macam sial. aku rindu awak yang tak kisah muka aku hodoh macam mana pun. aku rindu semuanya.

sumpah, aku rindu awak. dan ya, memang sakit.