to understand.

assalamualaikum.

aku dah cakap. aku dah agak. aku dah pesan awal-awal. jazmin, takkan ada orang yang nak faham kehendak kau. kau punya visi. mereka takkan dapat faham apa kau lihat dari perspektif kau. bukan kau buta. mereka pun tak buta juga. cuma pandangan kau dan mereka lain. mungkin mereka pandang langit, kau pandang darat, mungkin mereka pandang kertas, kau pandang pelangi, mungkin mereka pandang zirafah, kau pandang itik.

tapi, 'mereka' itu terlampau ramai dan 'kau' cuma satu sahaja, yakni, aku.

macam mana aku nak yakinkan mereka tentang pandangan aku yang terbengkok ke arah yang lain sedikit.

hey, bukannya aku tak nak anak sampai bila-bila. semuanya terletak pada Allah yang telah meletakkan rezeki aku sejak azali. aku cuma tak gilakan budak macam orang lain. aku bukan perempuan yang nampak budak comel dan terus terdetik dalam hati aku yang aku nak anak. tak. aku bukan perempuan itu. bila aku nampak budak comel, aku buat dia ketawa.

aku cuma fikir yang terburuk sebelum aku tanam harapan yang tinggi. aku sudah cek apa yang aku ada dan apa yang aku tak ada, dan statistik serta carian yang aku sudah selidik menunjukkan bahawa, mungkin aku ada masalah rahim. mungkin tak sahih. tapi aku yang tipikal akan fikir yang terburuk kerana apabila harapan aku dimusnahkan, aku akan jadi separuh hidup sahaja.

jadi, itu sebabnya aku cuba redhakan diri aku dengan kondisi yang aku ada ini seawal mungkin, aku perlu siap sediakan hati aku sebelum ianya jatuh pecah sehalus debu kerana, hati aku ini rapuh dan kecil. susah.

aku perlu siap sediakan pasangan sehidup semati aku dengan kondisi yang buruk ini agar dia terima aku seadanya dan tidak menghakimi aku.

aku bukannya tak nak anak. aku cuma tak nak berharap. dan mungkin, cuma mungkin, aku tak nak rosakkan anak aku.

mungkin aku belum bersedia seperti perempuan lain, atau mungkin aku terlampau negetif. sayang, ini aku yang sebenar. bukannya pelangi sepanjang masa.

jadi, cuba faham. cuba, tolonglah cuba lihat dari perspektif aku. tolonglah jangan suka-suka nak mengomen aku kalau kau tak faham situasi sebenar. aku bukannya jahat. aku bukannya tak punya jiwa. cuma jiwa yang aku ada ini terlampau rapuh. dah asyik kena makan anai-anai saja, macam mana nak kuat.

cubalah faham. kalau aku boleh, kenapa mereka tak?

tolonglah.

jazmin.

the ugly truth about me.

assalamualaikum.

let me make this easy. and as straight as i can be, because circling around like a gay is so confusing.

i don't want kids.

there you go. as bold as it can be. i am not proud. trust me, i am quite ashamed with myself after realizing this thing. i thought that i want kids. hell, i told everybody that i want 3 kids at most. but when i was talking to one of my elder friend, those words just came out as easy as breathing.

'i don't want kids.'

and suddenly, an elephant was lifted from my back. like any confessions, they tend to release the hot breath you've been holding.

you must be asking why in the world i would not want kids of my own. you must be saying how stupid i am and that what's the point of marriage if i don't even want to make babies. that's the whole purpose of marriage. don't you think about what your husband wants?

hey, do you think that i want to have fears like this? truth is, i fucked up a lot. and there are no doubts, if i ever have a baby, i will fucked that baby up too.

i am not one of those people who wants to have a job, have a dream home, handsome husband, cute little darlings, make plans for their money. no, i am not that. i know who i am and most of the time, knowing that scares the shit out of me.

i am the one who wants to be out all the time. i am the one who wants the sky to be my roof and the land to be my bed. i want the stars to call my name. i want my legs to be free. i want sunlight to give me all the UV it wants because, i am a wanderer. by heart, by brain and by soul. settling down sounds so hard, i don't want to. just let me have this alright. this thought that i will stay young forever. don't ruin this for me.

and yes, i have issues too. when i was growing up, my mother, was not the kind of mother she is now. the one who is always there. when i was an infant, she was not there. all the time. she tried alright, when she was home, she was the perfect mom, teaching me Quran and solat and english and stuff. but then, she is not home all the time. most of the time, i only saw her like 2 weeks in a month. tops.

hard to say it now but i used to hate my mother. i despise the fact that she was home when she was because, she's going to be all nice and honey and then she will walk away again. yes, i know, that was to find money for us to live easily but at that age, what the fuck do i know. all i knew that she left and when she left, i don't need her to come back. at that age, ohh, i fucked up a lot. i gave my parents shits. i don't even want to have a conversation with them.

i am a leaver. an expert leaver as matter of fact. unlike my mother, who traveled to lots of foreign countries for work and money, i just want to travel and to not care about money and people i left behind. i don't want to have responsibilities to tie me down from my dreams because, again, as selfish as it sounds, my dreams, they are my point of living. you know, to truly live.

i don't want my child to be left and that was when i decided, it's better to not have one at all.

on the other hand my 16 year old sister, she wants children. 8 or 10 whatever the number is, she wants children a lot. let me tell you why she wants children while i don't even want a child, it is because, when we were growing up, she always had me. i was always there for her, i was the one who took care of her, played with her, argue with her, be with her. i was the one she always looked up to. i was the one she had and when i was growing up without her, i got nobody.

she wants to have children so she can relive her childhood again, she wants to create another 'us' again. but i am so tired. i can't.

so, there you go. i am so ugly, you can barely look at me without vomiting inside.

and to my future husband, i know you will want kids, but bear with me for a couple of years, and just travel the world with me my love. lets discard every fucking thing we own and just catch the first flight out of here and then my dear, we'll make love under the stars. with condom. LOL.

i'll never be a mother but i can be the coolest aunt in the world for my nephews and nieces.

maybe Allah has other plans, but this is mine right now.

Jazmin.

confession: i love kids, i do, but i don't want any of them to be mine. please understand. i just need a person to understand because i don't to be the only person who is in this situation.

ps: my mother is an amazing mother now though. don't get me wrong. people can change.

pps: ya Allah, tolonglah bagi aku dapat TESL . amin

entah

assalamualaikum.

i know. i know. i know.

no.

fuck no.

i know nothing.

j

rambut.

assalamualaikum

i hate myself with long hair. i look like a fucking, i don't know, a fucking hypocrite. i hate looking at the mirror and see myself draped by this long black filthy hair. it ran on my eyes, swaying on my back, lightly touching my neck.

fuck that shit. i hate long hair. despise.

as a matter of fact, i felt disgusting with long hair. i know it does not sound appropriate for girl to say this but, yeah, i hate long hair.

so, this morning, i tied my hair into a ponytail and cut it. yep. after that, i went to a hair saloon and asked her to cut my hair short.

'you mean boy-cut ke?'

'yep. i wish i can go for mohawk. tapi mak tak bagi. or bald. mak still tak bagi.'

'ehh, ini rambut you potong sendiri ke tadi?' sambil belek2 rambut aku.

'yep. tak tahan woo..'

'you perempuan comellah, belalah rambut panjang sikit. baru lagi comel.' ambil gunting dan membega rambut aku.

'i have my reasons.' aku bisik.

i have my reason, and that reason is going to haunt me forever.

tell me

assalamualaikum.

you see, i am not in a very good state lately. it is kind of hard. i feel like a fucking brat. yelah, apahal aku nak rasa macam ni when there are hell lot of other people deserve to be sad, to be in agony and i am not one of them.

but,

i cant help it. lately at night, when everybody closes their eyes and drift into separate dreams, i find myself in a mixed feelings kind of situation. and i would be crying and bawling like a child. i would hug myself and rock myself back and forth repeating the sentence 'i hate you' and by you i meant me.

i am not so great. i dont know. depression or other kind of shits. i dont care. i just want it to be over.

J

a charming voice.

assalamualaikum.

have you ever heard a voice that is so charming, you don't even realize that you have been holding in your breath because, you just forgot to breathe, just because you can't?

have you?

well, i had heard one, and let me tell you as a big fan of people who are trying to tell a story helped by music as only a background, this guy's voice is amazing.

he did not sing, trust me he did not. he whispered the words and breathe out the sentences, swaying along with the sound of the guitar. the way he told the story was enough for me to have shivers running down my arms.

a charming voice.

a person who tells a story, whispers the fear and hold in all of the hopes.

he is certainly charming, dear charming voice, for i can't name him because i fear that he might see this and think that i am mad. no, i am not mad at you.

i am mad for your voice, telling me love and giving me patience.

regaining my hopes and renew my dreams.

charming voice, you are indeed charming. no one can tell me otherwise.

j

confession: z

you think you love me.

assalamualaikum

the first time you ever told me that you loved me was like this;

'i think i am in love with you'

you think you were in love with me. think. while at that moment, i was in love with you. nope, i did not think. i just knew that i was in love with you.

here's the thing about that moment though, you may not know this but i cried. not because you told me that you loved me.

it was because you told me that you thought you were in love with me when all i wanted was for you to fall head over heels, stumbled upon everything you stepped on and fell flat on your face but you don't really feel it because your feelings were just only for me. i wanted you to fall as hard as i did, so i don't feel like it is 70:30. i am the 70 percent while you were the 30 percent.

if you asked me to love you forever at that moment, i would.

but eventually, you did loved me, with all your heart. but i still think about the first time you said it to me.

think

look where it had gotten us to.

somewhere better i guess. hahaha. well, Allah set this up for a reason, mainly to get us as far as we can from sins of course. haha.

but also, maybe we are never going to be together ever again. you and i, we shared a lot, learnt a lot, and when i say 'a lot' i really mean it. A Lot. together, we thought that we could beat the odds, we could be together forever, have kids, grandchildren, hold hands when we are older later, sampai tua. haha, childish dreams are always the best don't you agree?

but then, if it's not meant to be, it never will, will it?

i loved, from the way your long hair (when it was long) swayed to my touch, the way your smile changes when you were looking at me. and the way your eyes went big and shiny like a pair ball of hopes when you looked at me. your laugh, i used to strain my brain to find the funniest thing so that you would laugh all over the place but most of the time, i would not even try because you already thought that i was funny. hahaha. the nights when you used to make up stories to me so i would fall asleep to your voice, and i would talk all kind of shits to you so you would fall asleep too.

to remember it back. mann, we were a disgusting pair of couple weren't we? the lovey dovey stuff, the i love you(s), the i will love you forever shits. realizing it back made it all seem so disgusting.

as disgusting as it was, you truly did loved me with all your heart didn't you? and thank you. thank you for that.

mister, you are better than you could ever picture yourself as and as if for me, i know who i am and where do i stand.

thank you, for i can't find any better words than those two. i loved of love you, well, it is none of your business, it is mine and if i want to love you, i will, so, thank you.

from you think you love me to you love me so much and to the point where breaking up happened. hahaha.

nothing but the best mister, nothing but the best.

J

confession: one of those days where the thought of you popped into my mind.

you and her.

assalamualaikum.

yes, you and her. she is perfect for you. a cookie cutter perfect kind of person you would have want to be with. maybe it is not now. not tomorrow. but one day. you will realise that she is the one. she has been standing in front of you for so long.

when your heart opens someday, you will see her.

and i will be here, watching you, grasping for your air that you have been waiting for so long. i will be here, watching you falling in love.

not with me, but with her.

and i hope that deep in your heart you will always remember that whatever happen, i will never stop praying for you. because, like i told you, when i love someone, i will never stop.

when you finally see her one day, love her. and i will still be here.

j

confession: Allah is loving, He will never break me insya Allah.