i started to miss you again right after i finished watching a movie called 'Like Crazy'. i wish i can really, like really really express about how i felt at that time. all i know was that, i cried like crazy. i cried so bad that i can barely catch my breath. i cried so hard, i didn't even realise that i am not breathing at that time. i cried so hard until my head started to hurt and i felt nauseous. i cried so hard, it hurt my heart.

usually, when i was at that kind of wrecked state, you are the only person i can think of to call. but then, who am i to call you in 4.00 in the morning any more? right? so i scrolled down my contacts in my phone, thinking, 'who the hell am i suppose to talk now?'. i must have scrolled about three times, and each time when i stumble upon your name and number, my fingers itched to press the green button. how easy it is to reach to you, just one tiny button and i can hear your voice again. i almost pressed it, i swear to God, i really want to press it. but, thinking straight again, what are you really going to say to me when i called you with my voice choking with tears? it might go all awkward and i will regret it. so, i did not.

instead, i turned to a good girlfriend of mind, who does not even mind me calling in the middle of the night, sobbing like crazy. she asked me why, and when i didn't answer, she just let me cry my heart out. and between my sobbings, i laughed. yes, i laughed and i curse at myself and she laughed with me. after that, she distracted me with her drama, which i don't mind because i prefer to hear someone else's stories rather than mine. she told me not to call you because once i call you, she knows i am going to love you all over again.

when we finally hung up, i was empty again. usually when i called you, you will talk to me until i am no longer capable of talking. until i fall asleep. but she is not you. and i can't compare her to you.

that was a week ago. and last night, i watched that movie again, and i cried all the same. to tell you the truth, i was even wrecked last night than last week.

when other people are thinking about the future, i think about the past where there was you and there was me.

fuck it, you think i want to miss you? you think i really need to miss you? i fucking hate to miss you alright. i hate it so much. because you know what, i still love you. whatever had i done to hate you does not work. or maybe i don't want to hate you. maybe i don't even want to get over you.

you ruined me. i can't fall in love anymore. you had made my expectations towards other men too high. and none of them can reach it. hell, i don't want any of them to reach it.

damn you.

but then, i know i will never be enough for you. i may humour you from time to time, but i am never going to be enough for you. yes, i am well aware of that. you want a religious woman who is going to make your life now and after easier. but me, i am not that. i am never going to be a woman. much less a really religious one with the long hijab and everything. i will try maybe. but even that will never be enough.

i can't be polite all the time because i hate to not say the awful truth. i am just that kind of person. i can never laugh the right tone or not curse. i can never stop jumping or stop yelling or stop acting like a kid because that is not me. i can never be that woman for you because i am never ever ever going to be her.

the woman you want is too different from me. or maybe you don't want it to be me in the first place?

i will never know that will i? am i your mistake? because you are not.

i miss you. i love you. maybe there is still a tiny little place the size of a dust which still love the little bits of me, or even miss me from time to time. but i know for sure you will never ever ever love me like you did before. you will never be in love with me. not anymore.

i will never stop loving you that's for sure. after all that you have done for me, you deserve that. i had never experience what i had with you with anyone else. yet.

hello, i am jazmin, i am already halved, anybody else care to join me?

jaz.

confession: hey, hey. urm. arghh. i just wish you know. that's all. i wish you know that i want to kill you. and keep you in my closet.

ps: damn you.

'lama-lama kau jadi bosanlah jaz.' the efff?

assalamualaikum.

*sigh*

i should have known. letting loose and letting down my guard was not a good idea. i should have learnt my lesson. heh, i don't know why am i so bloody thick? sometimes, even the most obvious thing, i find myself still searching for me. am i that stupid? why haven't i realise it? the hell with it.

you know, i had let myself down a few times before. and still, i am that blind. arghhh! good lord, why am i so thick?

yes, i do know people do like me. but only when i am in my crazy crazy attitude. but when i am as boring as crap, people won't even take a second glance at me.

you see,

i am this happy-go-lucky,

i-don't-give-a-damn,

live-like-i-never-did,

kind of girl. most of the time, i am that girl. most of the time. but, when the time is not right and all the things around me had gone wrong or i am just simply bored, i get this weird persona coming out. yes, i am not happy and crazy and reckless and impulsive all the time. i am still a person, a human being and a geek too.

i hate it when people think that i am all that i am when they look at me. i hate it when they think i am always so bloody happy and crazy and reckless all the time. i hate it!

because, when i am not, they'll hate me. i know they will. they had pretty much shove it to my face just to make it clear. i am not all like that all the time. all of you should know.

sometimes, i just feel like lying on my bed all day and read some handsome book. or sometimes, i feel like putting some good music and draw. sometimes i prefer quietness for me to write. sometimes i just want to imagine things on my own. sometimes i just want to sleep the day. sometimes i just want to remember. sometimes, i just want to be on my own.

i don't want company all day long. i don't want to be for someone else all day long. i don't want to be so bloody happy just so that i can please some other people. i don't want to cheer up your day when my day is not that good too. i don't want to be in this constant place where i need to be polite, funny, crazy just to make other people smile and happy.

hey,

what about me? who the bloody hell will make me smile in return? not you! and monster, not you too. i know you are just using me to make yourself happy because, hell yeah, i can make you happy like nobody can. i know i can. i was born like that. it's in me. i can make people smile.

so monster,

you are no different. and don't you dare to beg to differ. because, there's no way you can prove it the other way around. you bloody know that i am right.

when i come to you to let out my anger, to give some piece of my mind so i could feel a little better like you did to me, what you did was, you yelled at me. you yelled back at me. you freaking yelled. you throw nasty words back at me. you stomp me with your anger, and it was me, again, suppose to make you feel better. as it it was my fault.

and now, you told me that i am a boring person. just now, you told me that, 'lama-lama kau jadi bosan jaz.'

the heck?

well, shiny toys aren't forever shiny. i am right aren't i? so, like everybody else who had used me, walk away. just walk away and act like you don't know me anymore. i could care any less. it had been done before. so, i wouldn't be surprise if it happens again.

yes, i am tired. so please, so hanging hopes on me to make you feel better. don't make me fall for you and to care for you anymore. because, i am the one ended up feeling upset like shit. it is me who will feel left behind and forgotten.

this may sound selfish, but it was always me and always will be me.

just stop it okay?

jazminfauzan.

confession: tiga puluh satu ogos. semalam. ya, aku rasa macam tahi. ya, aku rindu awak. buat apa nak menipu kan? buang masa. ya, ya, aku rindu awak.

ps: bodoh, siapa kata sampai tua tu wujud? aku hidup dalam buih angan yang halus. bila dah meletup baru nak perasan. kenapalah aku bebal sangat?

pps: ya, aku rindu awak. aku rindu. sumpah aku rindu. tiba2. rindu dengan segala apa yang kita pernah ada dan segala apa yang kita sepatutnya ada. aku rindu aku dengan awak. aku rindu kita. aku rindu bila aku masih ada orang yang bersedia untuk jadi punching bag aku.

ppps: aku rindu tempat awak dalam jantung aku. aku rindu untuk toleh ke tepi dan nampak awak. aku rindu kata2 awak. aku rindu rasa jatuh cinta tiap2 hari. aku rindu awak yang sentiasa tak kisah dengan perangai aku yang macam sial. aku rindu awak yang tak kisah muka aku hodoh macam mana pun. aku rindu semuanya.

sumpah, aku rindu awak. dan ya, memang sakit.