usually, when i was at that kind of wrecked state, you are the only person i can think of to call. but then, who am i to call you in 4.00 in the morning any more? right? so i scrolled down my contacts in my phone, thinking, 'who the hell am i suppose to talk now?'. i must have scrolled about three times, and each time when i stumble upon your name and number, my fingers itched to press the green button. how easy it is to reach to you, just one tiny button and i can hear your voice again. i almost pressed it, i swear to God, i really want to press it. but, thinking straight again, what are you really going to say to me when i called you with my voice choking with tears? it might go all awkward and i will regret it. so, i did not.
instead, i turned to a good girlfriend of mind, who does not even mind me calling in the middle of the night, sobbing like crazy. she asked me why, and when i didn't answer, she just let me cry my heart out. and between my sobbings, i laughed. yes, i laughed and i curse at myself and she laughed with me. after that, she distracted me with her drama, which i don't mind because i prefer to hear someone else's stories rather than mine. she told me not to call you because once i call you, she knows i am going to love you all over again.
when we finally hung up, i was empty again. usually when i called you, you will talk to me until i am no longer capable of talking. until i fall asleep. but she is not you. and i can't compare her to you.
that was a week ago. and last night, i watched that movie again, and i cried all the same. to tell you the truth, i was even wrecked last night than last week.
when other people are thinking about the future, i think about the past where there was you and there was me.
fuck it, you think i want to miss you? you think i really need to miss you? i fucking hate to miss you alright. i hate it so much. because you know what, i still love you. whatever had i done to hate you does not work. or maybe i don't want to hate you. maybe i don't even want to get over you.
you ruined me. i can't fall in love anymore. you had made my expectations towards other men too high. and none of them can reach it. hell, i don't want any of them to reach it.
damn you.
but then, i know i will never be enough for you. i may humour you from time to time, but i am never going to be enough for you. yes, i am well aware of that. you want a religious woman who is going to make your life now and after easier. but me, i am not that. i am never going to be a woman. much less a really religious one with the long hijab and everything. i will try maybe. but even that will never be enough.
i can't be polite all the time because i hate to not say the awful truth. i am just that kind of person. i can never laugh the right tone or not curse. i can never stop jumping or stop yelling or stop acting like a kid because that is not me. i can never be that woman for you because i am never ever ever going to be her.
the woman you want is too different from me. or maybe you don't want it to be me in the first place?
i will never know that will i? am i your mistake? because you are not.
i miss you. i love you. maybe there is still a tiny little place the size of a dust which still love the little bits of me, or even miss me from time to time. but i know for sure you will never ever ever love me like you did before. you will never be in love with me. not anymore.
i will never stop loving you that's for sure. after all that you have done for me, you deserve that. i had never experience what i had with you with anyone else. yet.
hello, i am jazmin, i am already halved, anybody else care to join me?
jaz.
confession: hey, hey. urm. arghh. i just wish you know. that's all. i wish you know that i want to kill you. and keep you in my closet.
ps: damn you.
